Follow-Up from Pure Romance

1. Follow-Up from Pure Romance • Share what you got from this weekend’s lessons by David and Robin Weidner • Friday: Singles, Campus, Teens, Preteens • Saturday: Marrieds, Engaged Couples

2. What Is Purity? • Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.Matt 5:8 • This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:5-9

3. God’s Desire for Us • What are the key things that God wants for us? • A relationship with him (unity) • Freedom to be the glory he designed us to be • To be like him • Live a life of love • Loving even when it involves sacrifice • Bearing fruit in good works • Being a light to others • To walk in the light!

4. Satan’s Plan Is for Us to Doubt God • “God is holding out on you.” • What are examples of how people think that God is trying to deprive them of happiness? • “You’ll be happier doing things your own way” • When are you tempted to do things your own way that is different from what God teaches us? • Why do you think you or others might not ask other Christians for advice or help? • Who do you typically talk to before making decisions?

5. Overcoming Satan’s Schemes • Think about times when you have had victory over difficult sins. What were the keys? Discussion . . .

6. Respect for God’s Wonderful Design • First sexual experiences produce strong, lasting effects. • The bonding effect of intercourse is God’s wonderful design to make marriage between one man and one woman last a lifetime. • Any sexual experience outside of marriage (premarital or adulterous) weakens the ability to bond in marriage, requiring more work to have a successful marriage. • To engage in extra-marital sexual experience is to submit yourself to a life of working to overcome enslavement to sin. • The more a person engages in illicit sex, the harder it becomes to overcome.

7. Ungodly Sexual Practices Escalate • Sex outside of God’s plan of marriage is based on sensual desires, rather than on relationship. • Women given into impurity and immorality out of a fear of being deserted, or needing to feel in control. • That’s why it is unsatisfying and unfulfilling: it cannot satisfy out God-given desire for intimate relationship. • Because immoral sex is not fulfilling, the person tends to indulge in increasingly destructive practices (like a drug addict pursuing more and more powerful drugs). Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more. Ephesians 4:19

8. Male Brain Chemistry Key hormones: Testosterone Vasopressin Oxytocen Regret, “what-have-I-done” recognition restored (too late) Prefrontal Cortex Function Prefrontal cortex is responsible for judgment, moral choices, assessment of consequences Time Sexual interest and arousal narrows goals towards sexual intercourse and climax

9. Why Boundaries Are Important Men’s Brain Function Women’s Brain Function Broad sense of their environment and danger Retain reasoning and awareness of dangers and consequences That’s why women use alcohol to deaden their own inhibitions, which would otherwise prevent unwise decisions With repeated sexual partners, a woman’s brain becomes more like a man’s, with “narrowing” awareness • Testosterone is a “narrowing” hormone • Escalation blocks out logic and reasoning • Focus leads to singular goal of intercourse and climax • Afterwards: sudden return to reality and an awareness of consequences

10. What Should This Suggest for Women? • Maintain relational, not sensual, interactions with men. • Don’t do things that cause sexual arousal. • Men are much more visually stimulated than women. Visual stimulation is foreplay to men. • Visible cleavage is stimulating to men. It is also like an invitation. • Skin, in general is stimulating to men, like bare shoulders, skinny straps. • Midriff skin showing is especially stimulating to men. • Flirting is interpreted by men as a sexual interest. • Girls, you may be thinking, “I’m just trying to be a little stylish.” Well, there’s no way you will be able to see things the way the men do. It’s time we stopped letting the world set the standards for us. • Help the brothers out. Otherwise, they may be uncomfortable around you, may have to divert their eyes, or may have to deal with feelings or sin in their hearts. We expect a battle in the world; church should be a safe place. • Alcohol is extremely dangerous. In young people it compounds the problems of an undeveloped prefrontal cortex (responsible for judgment, assessment of future consequences, and moral guidance). Even if you are of legal age to drink, ask yourself why you would be drinking.

11. What Should This Suggest for Men? • Have a strong set of boundaries • Most dating should be double dating or group dating. • Avoid being alone with women other than your wife. (In public places you are not alone.) • Avoid obvious temptations, such as “adult” bookstores, bars, etc. • Avoid venues that have been pitfalls for you (e.g., titillating art in museums) • Set boundaries about watching TV , movies, or internet surfing while alone • Set boundaries about the types of TV or other entertainment you will watch • Anything that moves you towards sexual stimulation • Get serious about your BC-days sexual sins of pornography, lust, and masturbation. • Be connected in close, safe relationships that will help you to stay spiritual and help you to be victorious over temptation. • Develop good relationships with your sisters in Christ. Encourage them by good fellowship and taking them out on dates. Learn to appreciate the differences that God has created in women, which are much more than the physical attributes. • Past and continuing sexual sin must be disclosed before getting serious in a dating relationship. A man should be free of the sin of pornography, masturbation, or other sin for six months before considering engagement. It is deceitful to pursue an engagement with undisclosed sexual history or problems. They tend to get worse, not better, after marriage. • Alcohol in young people compounds the problems of an under-developed prefrontal cortex (responsible for judgment, assessment of future consequences, and moral guidance). Don’t drink alcohol around under-age brothers and sisters.

12. Satan’s Plan for Us Negative Emotions/Pain Disconnection Isolation Time Preoccupation Ritual Regret Vow ActingOut

13. Satan’s Plan for Us Negative Emotions/Pain Disconnection Isolation Time Stuff from childhood, abuses, insecurities, sin, disappointments, tragedies, shame Preoccupation Ritual Regret Vow ActingOut

14. Satan’s Plan for Us Negative Emotions/Pain Disconnection Isolation Time Shame, insecurity: Don’t want to be around others. “Others are better than me.” Preoccupation Ritual Regret Vow ActingOut

15. Satan’s Plan for Us Negative Emotions/Pain Disconnection Isolation Time “Medicate” in private:drugs, over-eating, pornography, masturbation, video games Preoccupation Ritual Regret Vow ActingOut

16. Satan’s Plan for Us Negative Emotions/Pain Disconnection Isolation Time Homosexual or heterosexual immorality, dating non-Christians, “hooking up,” going to strip clubs Preoccupation Ritual Regret Vow ActingOut

17. Satan’s Plan for Us Negative Emotions/Pain Disconnection Isolation Time “I can’t believe I did that! I’ll never do that again!” Preoccupation Ritual Regret Vow ActingOut

18. Satan’s Plan for Us Negative Emotions/Pain Disconnection Isolation Time Able to keep resolve for days, weeks, perhaps even months. But eventually you fail. Preoccupation Ritual Regret Vow ActingOut

19. Satan’s Treadmill of Defeat Negative Emotions/Pain Disconnection Isolation Time The Repeating Cycle Preoccupation Ritual Regret Vow ActingOut

20. The Four Most Dangerous Words “I can handle it.”

21. God’s Plan for Us Negative Emotions/Pain ConnectionHeb 3:12-13 Time Stuff from childhood, abuses, insecurities, sin, disappointments, tragedies, shame Surrender Confidence Help Victory

22. God’s Plan for Us Negative Emotions/Pain ConnectionHeb 3:12-13 Time Encourage oneanother daily not to “turn away from the living God.” Surrender Confidence Help Victory

23. God’s Plan for Us Negative Emotions/Pain ConnectionHeb 3:12-13 Time In humility admityour need for help and encouragement from God and your brothers. Surrender Confidence Help Victory

24. God’s Plan for Us Negative Emotions/Pain ConnectionHeb 3:12-13 Time Set both positiveand negative boundaries, and ask some brothers to help you to stay accountable Surrender Confidence Help Victory

25. God’s Plan for Us Negative Emotions/Pain ConnectionHeb 3:12-13 Time Walking in the light, we’re forgiven by Jesus’ blood and cleansed from unrighteousness Surrender Confidence Help Victory

26. God’s Plan for Us Negative Emotions/Pain ConnectionHeb 3:12-13 Time Victory gives joyconfidence, and strength, increases our faith, and is a light to the world Surrender Confidence Help Victory

27. God’s Plan for Us Negative Emotions/Pain ConnectionHeb 3:12-13 Time A cycle of emotional mountains and valleys work to build ever-increasing glory, which is from the Lord. 2 Cor 3:18 Surrender Confidence Help Victory

28. Relational Problems Need a Relational Cure • Satan’s lies: • “You’ll never be good enough.” • “No one would accept or love you if they knew…” • We tend to feel judged, and we withdrawShame -> Secrets -> Hiding -> Hardening -> Despair • Why men hide: Men like to win; hate to face defeat • Why women harden: Stuff convictions Put forth a good presentation Learn dishonesty, which requires disconnection • Satan’s tools: Hiding and Hardening, getting us to disconnect

29. Important Relational Keys • Safety • Shaming, threats, and harshness destroy safety • Without safety, people tend to hide their sin and try to deal with it by themselves • Give examples of ways that we can make people feel “unsafe.” • What things can we do to make people feel that they are in a safe environment?

30. Important Boundary Keys • Positive boundaries to keep us spiritually healthy • Analogy: A person in good health can fend off disease better than someone who doesn’t eat healthy, get exercise, and get regular checkups. • Negative boundaries: Things that we will avoid or not do in order to protect ourselves • Head off temptation before it gets too strong • Keeps the bad stuff from coming in

31. Important Connection Keys • Daily Connection • “Are you feeling shame or anxiety about anything today?” • Connection with brothers or sisters empties the bad stuff that manages to get in. • It’s important to learn to express how you’re feeling. • Become aware of your triggers.