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Codependency and Enabling

Codependency and Enabling. We can help people who want to help themselves. Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are:. An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others. A tendency to confuse love and pity, tendency to "love" people they can pity and rescue.

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Codependency and Enabling

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  1. Codependency and Enabling We can help people who want to help themselves

  2. Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are: • An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others. • A tendency to confuse love and pity, tendency to "love" people they can pity and rescue. • A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time. • A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts. • An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment. • An extreme need for approval and recognition. • A sense of guilt when asserting themselves. • A compelling need to control others. • Lack of trust in self and/or others. • Fear of being abandoned or alone. • Difficulty identifying feelings. • Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change. • Problems with intimacy/boundaries. • Chronic anger. • Lying/dishonesty. • Poor communication. • Difficulty making decisions.

  3. Codependency test - What questions can I ask myself to see if I'm codependent • Is it difficult for you to see situations or individuals realistically? • Do you think you are somehow responsible for the thoughts or actions of others? • Do you often feel angry or hurt? • Do other people control you? • Do you feel lonely often? • Do you have an overwhelming urge for others to like you? • Do you give up your interests in order to take part in activities that your friends enjoy? • Do you feel more secure when you receive praise from others? • Do you need to feel needed? • Do you have a difficult time saying no when asked to do something?

  4. Isn’t everyone codependent? • Are people mutually interdependent?

  5. Rules of Codep • Don’t feel • It’s not ok for me to have problems • It’s not ok for me to have fun • I’m not lovable • I’m not good enough • If people act bad, I’m responsible • Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel

  6. 3 routes to codep, Zelvin • Relationship with AODA • Growing up in a dysfunctional family • Being socialized into accepting a codep. Role • Circle of codependency-p.324 • Pattern of codependency-p.325

  7. Enabling • Doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves. Simply, enabling creates a atmosphere in which the alcoholic can comfortably continue his unacceptable behavior.

  8. Are you an enabler? • 1. Have you ever "called in sick" for the alcoholic, lying about his symptoms? • 2. Have you accepted part of the blame for his (or her) drinking or behavior? • 3. Have you avoided talking about his drinking out of fear of his response? • 4. Have you bailed him out of jail or paid for his legal fees? • 5. Have you paid bills that he was supposed to have paid himself? • 6. Have you loaned him money? • 7. Have you tried drinking with him in hopes of strengthening the relationship? • 8. Have you given him "one more chance" and then another and another? • 9. Have you threatened to leave and didn't? • 10. Have you finished a job or project that the alcoholic failed to complete himself? • Counselors can become enablers

  9. Objections to the concept of Codependency • Dis-empowers the individual and makes relationship problem a medical problem • Disease? • Aren’t most homes dysfunctional? • Self help groups may promote dependency • Excuse the addict from responsibility

  10. Recovery • Go for help. A reputable therapist or a recovery group. Codependents Anonymous (CODA) is a free group. Therapists likewise can help, and are everywhere. • Make recovery a first priority. Find alternative behaviors! • Develop a spiritual side through daily practice. An inner life is important to those recovering from co-dependency, because it will allow you to see that you are loveable • Stop managing and controlling others • Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings • Cultivate whatever you need to develop as an individual. • Become "selfish." • Recovery from co-dependency is based on increased self-esteem • work on accepting others as they are, without trying to change them to meet your needs

  11. Addiction and the Family Chap.25 • It is believed that in the U.S., one out of every six individuals is or was raised in a home with at least one alcohol dependent parent • 96% of the population was raised in a dysfunctional home.

  12. How Does an Addiction Affect the Family? • When a family member has a dependency, the whole family usually develops ways of coping with the problems associated with the dependency. Often, there is less communication: the family avoids talking about the issue, avoids expressing emotions, and may keep the addiction secret from the community. Some family members may take on some of the responsibilities abandoned by the addicted person.

  13. How Does an Addiction Affect the Children? • Addiction often creates an unstable family environment. Parents may not effectively discipline their children or provide them with training in basic life skills. Children may feel insecure or unloved. They may also begin to take on adult responsibilities that are not appropriate to their age. Children in families where an addiction is present are more likely to show anti-social behavior and have problems such as skipping school, aggressiveness, hyperactivity and eating disorders.

  14. Is There Any Good News? • Living with an addicted person is not easy, but most children are resilient. This means that they can overcome these difficult circumstances and become strong, healthy adults. They build on their own and others' strengths. For those who may have resulting problems, help is available.

  15. Family Addictions Treatment History • http://www.counselormagazine.com/display_article.asp?aid=feb05FireFamily.htm

  16. ACOA are adults who • 1. Guess at what normal is.2. Have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.3. Lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.4. Judge themselves without mercy.5. Have difficulty having fun.6. Take themselves very seriously.7. Have difficulty with intimate relationships.8. Overreact to changes over which they have no control.9. Constantly seek approval and affirmation.10. Feel that they are different from other people.11. Are either super responsible or super irresponsible.12. Are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.13. Have money dysfunction, such as hiding it or being disorganized with it.

  17. Other criticisms of the ACOA movement • Blaming the parents • Focus is on the trauma or limitations vs. the strength of the individual • Focus in on the previous generation • Assume children raised in an alcoholic home are damaged • Damage model- children raised in alcoholic home are automatically damaged, assumes people are a “passive vessel”

  18. Challenge Model • Children are resilient • Does not mean that children are invulnerable, but adaptive systems do evolve

  19. What you can do • http://www.family.samhsa.gov/

  20. Iowa Substance Abuse Library • http://www.drugfreeinfo.org/aparents.html

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