Maintaining Identity While Letting Go: The Forgiveness Process

1. Maintaining Identity While Letting Go: The Forgiveness Process Ted Klontz Ph.D., CSAT III, CET II Executive Director Onsite Workshops WWW.Onsiteworkshops.com 800-341-7434 9th Renewal Convention on Adult Children, Recovery, & Trauma Las Vegas February, 2005 Welcome Introduction What the Stages are Share and practice a tool Tell personal story about Opportunity for you to practice letting go Questions Song About a mom struggling to let go Copnfidentiality Ok to pass on the participation parts Right to PaS passWelcome Introduction What the Stages are Share and practice a tool Tell personal story about Opportunity for you to practice letting go Questions Song About a mom struggling to let go Copnfidentiality Ok to pass on the participation parts Right to PaS pass

2. What Were You Taught About Letting Go/Forgiving? What does it mean? How does one do that? Where does one learn how to do that? Ask Audience the answersAsk Audience the answers

3. Why Do This? It is where the pain, wounds, and scars are. The areas that need healing Cannot truly forget anything, we can only truly forgive/heal Because we are successful at pushing it away from our consciousness, does not mean that we can make it go away, in fact it becomes a ghost that others can see and feel; often we can not Pain has no concept of time 1. It is not about forgetting it is about remembering and doing something about it 2. Cannot forget, the best we can do is come to terms with it 3. Ghost of Sexual Abuse 4. Maybe source of interpersonal pain?1. It is not about forgetting it is about remembering and doing something about it 2. Cannot forget, the best we can do is come to terms with it 3. Ghost of Sexual Abuse 4. Maybe source of interpersonal pain?

4. Why Do This? Clean up the residue of psychic acid End the cycle of re-traumatization Re-establish balance Allows the energy used for repression and suppression of woundedness to be available as �life energy� Find Peace Contaminates current life and relationships Self and others- retraumatization 3. No such thing as emotional bypass surgery, Soource of inter/intrapersonal pain Contaminates current life and relationships Self and others- retraumatization 3. No such thing as emotional bypass surgery, Soource of inter/intrapersonal pain

5. What Is Forgiveness? More than a mental exercise It is a difficult and painful process Self � Fish act Taking one�s own life into one�s own hands; of accepting life for what it is and is not, and living it with choice It does not mean to come to a place of condoning the behaviors, it does mean to come to a place of releasing the actors. Making Peace with Parents Book Like removing an emotional splinter It is a selfish process; the perpetrator is unlikely to remember or acknowledge that they did anything that needs forgiveness Greatest benefit is to forgiver No Leaping over pain and resentment without first working though those feelings and restoring lost sense of self Brenda�s comment Stopping the Blame Game Pain knows no concept as time Not easy, that�s why seldom done No emotional by-pass surgery It is a processMaking Peace with Parents Book Like removing an emotional splinter It is a selfish process; the perpetrator is unlikely to remember or acknowledge that they did anything that needs forgiveness Greatest benefit is to forgiver No Leaping over pain and resentment without first working though those feelings and restoring lost sense of self Brenda�s comment Stopping the Blame Game Pain knows no concept as time Not easy, that�s why seldom done No emotional by-pass surgery It is a process

6. The Process Acknowledge what happened (or didn�t) Feel the feelings Let go of the fantasy Feel the feelings Integrate the reality It mimics the grief and loss process, and the therapy processIt mimics the grief and loss process, and the therapy process

7. 1. Acknowledging what happened (or didn�t) Therapy Movies Music Books Museums Anything one reacts strongly to ��When you ask me to forget, you ask me to deny my experience�� Why do this? Why not just forget it and move on? What we try to repress becomes a haunting ghost, like Marley, who comes and visits us at the most inopportune times, in the most inopportune places, (Relationships). We cannot actually forget any experience, our only hope is to forgive. Opposite of forgive and forget Why? Because that�s where the wounds are, where he healing needs to take place Not to erase the memory of a wrong but to clean up the residue of the �acid� spilled A lot like Brad and the clouds, if a part of you gets the idea you want to know, an endless source of information Most profound trance we are in is re� our family of Origin �I haven�t forgotten but I have forgiven him� Why do this? Why not just forget it and move on? What we try to repress becomes a haunting ghost, like Marley, who comes and visits us at the most inopportune times, in the most inopportune places, (Relationships). We cannot actually forget any experience, our only hope is to forgive. Opposite of forgive and forget Why? Because that�s where the wounds are, where he healing needs to take place Not to erase the memory of a wrong but to clean up the residue of the �acid� spilled A lot like Brad and the clouds, if a part of you gets the idea you want to know, an endless source of information Most profound trance we are in is re� our family of Origin �I haven�t forgotten but I have forgiven him�

8. James Baldwin �I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.�

9. 2. Allow the Feelings and Releasing the Energy Used to Deny/Repress Direct Expression Meditation Meditation - Separate feelings from thoughtsMeditation - Separate feelings from thoughts

10. 3. Let Go of The Fantasy of What Should/Might Be or Have Been The Fix�. If Only�. Unconditional SurrenderUnconditional Surrender

11. 4. Feel the Feelings Loss Grief Entirely different level of grief and sense of lossEntirely different level of grief and sense of loss

12. 5. Integrate the Experience �This being true, what do I do now?� Now what? Dad�s story Dad�s StoryNow what? Dad�s story Dad�s Story

13. The Forgiveness Letter Remember a time when you were hurt, used, disappointed, abused, etc. by someone. Write a letter, it will be addressed to you from the person who did the deed In this letter they will admit to what they did, in detail, without excuse, and at the end of the letter they will ask for your forgiveness 10 minutes to write Process 10 minutes to process10 minutes to write Process 10 minutes to process

14. �The Letter� Represents the people / things we are still holding on to. The chances are we will never receive a letter like this Once we recognize that and allow the feelings, we can release ourselves and the other person Even if we did get the letter, it would not be enough, Their words can never heal our feelings White Light Guided Imagery Song Letting GoEven if we did get the letter, it would not be enough, Their words can never heal our feelings White Light Guided Imagery Song Letting Go

15. A. Battista �One of the most lasting pleasures you can experience is the feeling that comes over you when you genuinely forgive an enemy-whether he knows about it or not�..�

16. How Does One Know When the Forgiveness Process is Complete? Full memory, without the crippling effect of recalling the memory Hurt, Anger, Shame, Blame are not recycled by the memory When there is enough personal restoration so that the relationship with the perpetrator no longer compromises self When you hear something about them, feelings of compassion, grace, spaceWhen you hear something about them, feelings of compassion, grace, space

17. Paul Tillich 1886-1965 ��I forget although I remember. Without this kind of forgetting, no relationship can endure healthily. I don�t refer to a solemn act of asking for and offering forgiveness, these are often acts of moral arrogance on the one part and enforced humiliation on the other. I speak of the lasting willingness to accept him who has hurt us�� The ultimate act of forgiveness is that of forgiveness of ourselves; by ourselves Pain in a relationship? Things we haven�t asked for yet Things that people are not able or willing to give = FantasyPain in a relationship? Things we haven�t asked for yet Things that people are not able or willing to give = Fantasy

18. Ambivalence In forgiving someone, I release them from the purgatory that I have placed them in.� �I give up my only source of power over them.� While they are in purgatory, I feel safe.� If I were to release them from that place, by forgiving them, I put myself at risk for getting hurt again, believing that I am as powerless now, as I was the last time. If I don't forgive them, I must consistently be focused on guarding purgatory�s door, but by doing so, I serve my time in the same purgatory, just on the other side of the cell that I have created for them. If I forgive them, we are both set free.��

19. Questions?

20. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow �If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we would find in each man�s life a sorrow and a suffering enough to disarm all hostility.�

21. If we could read the secret history of those we would like to punish, we would find in each life enough grief and suffering to make us stop wishing anything more on them

22. Suzy Bogguss �Letting Go� Album: Aces 1991