Understanding Your Church Family

1. Understanding YourChurch Family Elder-Pastor RetreatOregon Christian ConventionJanuary 25th, 2014

2. Characteristics of a Healthy Church

3. Characteristics of Healthy Churches • God’s Empowering Presence • God-Exalting Worship • Spiritual Disciplines • Learning & Growing in Community • Loving & Caring Relationships • Servant-Leadership Development • Outward Focus • Wise Administration/Accountability • Networking with the Larger Church • Faithful Stewardship and Generosity

4. The Biblical View of the Church as a FamilyThe 4Th Characteristic of a Healthy ChurchCommitment to Loving & Caring Relationships

5. The Church:The Family of God “I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty” (2 Cor. 6:18).

6. The Church:The Family of God “Stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, ‘Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother’” (Matt. 12:49-50).

7. The Church:The Family of God “So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God” (Eph. 2:19).

8. The Church:The Family of God “As we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith” (Gal. 6:10).

9. The Church:The Family of God “Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity” (1 Tim. 5:1).

10. Other Relational Figuresof the Church

11. The Church:A Body of Many Members “For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.” (Rom. 12:4-5)

12. The Church:The Bride of Christ “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (Eph. 5:31-32).

13. The Church:The Spiritual Temple "You yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ" (1 Pet. 2:5).

14. Understanding the Church as a Family System Basic Theory Stress → Anxiety → Anxiety → Symptoms → Symptoms → imbalances in the family/congregational systems → → more stress and anxiety

15. Family/Relational Systems Stress → Anxiety → Anxiety → Symptoms → Symptoms → imbalances in family/congregational systems → more stress and anxiety

16. Family/Relational Systems

17. Systems ThinkingCircular vs. Linear Linear Thinking

18. Systems Thinking Circular Thinking

19. Examples of Systems Thinking Sequencing How are other parts of the system affected? Patterns, Roles, Boundaries “The Whole is greater than the sum of its parts.”

20. Exercise in Systems Thinking Aging and Declining church wants to reach younger people. So, they decide to reallocate 30% of the budget to youth programming.

21. The Dynamics of Church Families • Differentiation of Self • Triangles • Nuclear Family Emotional Process

22. Dynamics of Church Families • Family Projection Process • Cutoff • Multigenerational Transmission Process • Sibling Position • Societal Emotional Process

23. Differentiation of Self Emotional Feelings Rational Thoughts

24. Triangles C: triangulated by A or B A B

25. Triangles Church member Minister Elders

26. Emotional Process – Conflict MGT Engaging Conflict Distancing Over/Under-functioning Enmeshment/fusion/Co-dependency

27. Codependent Roles Enabler Scapegoat Family Hero Lost Child Rescuer Mascot

28. Family Projection Process • Typically focused on a Child • “Please fix my child. We’ve tried everything we can think of.” • Child (or other family member) is blamed for family problems.

29. Family Projection Process When parents and other family members manage their own anxiety and relationship issues, the functioning of the “problem child” typically improves.

30. Family Projection Process • Churches often behave in the same way. • Identified People or Problems • The Minister • The Elders • A Certain Group • The Budget • Music

31. Emotional Cutoff Extreme Distancing Posture Managing Anxiety with the relationship by emotionally Disconnecting Chronic anxiety increases Less places for anxiety to go Other relationships are substituted

32. Multigenerational Transmission Process • Looking back to earlier generations in a person’s family may indicate intergenerational patterns in family processes: • Differentiation of Self • Patterns of Emotional Process

33. Sibling Position • Functional Levels of Differentiation are affected by sibling position: • Oldest • Youngest • Middle

34. Societal Emotional Process • The Tendency of People within a society to be more anxious and unstable at certain times than others. • Overpopulation • Scarcity of resources • Epidemics • Economic forces • Lack of skills for living in the world

35. So, What’s A Boundary? • Where one person ends, and another begins • The line between who I am, what I can do, what my responsibility is, and who others are, what they can do, what their responsibilities are.

36. Three Kinds of Boundaries • Rigid Boundaries • Clear Boundaries • Diffuse Boundaries

37. Setting Clear Boundaries • Do not interrupt the law of Cause and Effect (Sowing and Reaping) • Be Responsible “to” others, but do not be “over-responsible” for others • Identify what YOU have the Power to do

38. Setting Clear BoundariesCon’t • Respect the boundaries other people set for themselves • Check your motives • Evaluate for harm, not hurt • Don’t be Reactive. Be Proactive and Assertive