The Greater Good Science Center Resources for a compassionate and resilient society

2. The Greater Good Science CenterResources for a compassionate and resilient society Online Magazine: Find award-winning articles, parenting blog, empathy quiz, videos, podcasts, and more at www.GreaterGoodScience.org Events: “TheScience of A Meaningful Life” Science: Research fellowships Books:Born To Be Good, The Compassionate Instinct, Raising Happiness, Are We Born Racist?

3. The Science of a Great Relationship April 29th, 2011 Christine Carter & Fred Luskin University of California, Berkeley www.greatergoodscience.org

4. A Roadmap • The state of the American committed relationship (Fred) • Why romantic relationships matter (Fred) BREAK 10:30 to 10:45 • The difference between happy and unhappy couples (Christine) LUNCH: 12:00 to 1:00 (on your own – see lunch options in course packet)

5. The Road Continues… • How to forgive (Fred) BREAK 2:15 to 2:30 • How to repair and apologize (Fred) • Practical tips for a happy relationship (Christine) BREAK 3:30 to 3:45 • More practical prescriptions (Christine) • Closing 4:30

6. Goals • New ideas and lenses • New tools, practices, and resources • Happier, more sustainable, and fulfilling relationships

7. The State of theAmerican CommittedRelationship • Historical context: The rise and fall—and plateau—of marriage • Divorce and cohabitations statistics

8. Marital Status of Men in the United States (2000) Never Married (30%) Married (Spouse Present) (53%) Separated (2%) Widowed (3%) Divorced (9%) Cohabiting (9%) Married (Spouse Absent) (4%) Source: Census 2000 & CDC. (2002). National Survey of Family Growth.

9. Marital Status of Women in the United States (2000) Never Married (24%) Married (Spouse Present) (50%) Separated (2%) Widowed (11%) Divorced (10%) Cohabiting (9%) Married (Spouse Absent) (3%) Source: Census 2000 & CDC. (2002). National Survey of Family Growth.

10. Marriage and Divorce Rates in United States (1860-2005) Source: National Bureau of Economic Research. (2007). Marriage and Divorce.

11. First Marriages Ending in Divorce Over Time Source: National Bureau of Economic Research. (2007). Marriage and Divorce.

12. Marriage Over the Life Cycle (1880-2000) Source: National Bureau of Economic Research. (2007). Marriage and Divorce.

13. Life Cycle of Marriages (1940-1945 Cohort) Source: National Bureau of Economic Research. (2007). Marriage and Divorce.

14. Cohabitation Status • Current Cohabitation • 9.2% of males (age 15-44) are cohabiting with a female partner • 9.1% of females (age 15-44) are cohabiting with a male partner • Past Cohabitation • 48.8% of males (age 15-44) have ever cohabited • 50.0% of females (age 15-44) have ever cohabited Source: Center for Disease Control. (2002). National Survey of Family Growth.

15. Stated Reasons for Cohabitation Time Together Relationship Testing Convenience n = 124 heterosexual couples Source: Rhoades, Stanley & Markman . (2009). “Couples’ Reasons for Cohabitation.”

16. Cohabitation Results • Results of females’ first cohabitation • 13.2% intact current cohabitation • 33.6% intact current marriage • 34.5% dissolved cohabitation • 18.7% dissolved marriage • Probability of female cohabitation disruption over time • 21% broken up after one year • 39% broken up after three years • 49% broken up after five years Source: Center for Disease Control. (2002). National Survey of Family Growth.

17. Desire for Marriage n = 631 single, 206 cohabiting, 465 divorced/widowed Source: Pew Research Center. (2010). The Decline of Marriage and Rise of New Families.

18. Reasons for Marriage n = 1,306 married, 1,385 unmarried Source: Pew Research Center. (2010). The Decline of Marriage and Rise of New Families.

19. Perceived Benefits (and Costs) of Marriage “When is it easier to _____?” When: Source: Pew Research Center. (2010). The Decline of Marriage and Rise of New Families.

20. Desires in Marriage n = 1,327 husband, 1,364 wife Source: Pew Research Center. (2010). The Decline of Marriage and Rise of New Families.

21. Satisfaction in Marriages (1973-2006) Taking things all together, how would you describe your marriage? Would you say that your marriage is very happy, pretty happy, or not too happy? “Very Happy” “Pretty Happy” “Not Too Happy” Source: General Social Surveys, 1976-2006

22. Reasons for Divorce Males chose an average of 3 problems Females chose an average of 4 problems n = 275 male, 336 female Source: Cleek & Pearson. (1985). “Perceived Causes of Divorce.”

23. Why Romantic Relationships Matter • The benefits of a long-term commitment • Marriage and health • Marriage and happiness

24. Does Marriage Make Us Happier? Or are happy people more likely to marry?

25. Happy and Unhappy Couples • How to tell the difference • What doomed couples have • There are only four different problems • TOOL: How to pick a fight • After lunch: What happy couples do

26. What Doomed Couples Have • “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (John Gottman) • Amplified negativity: • Criticism • Defensiveness • Contempt • Stonewalling • Couples who “escalate conflict” divorced 5.6 years after wedding

27. Happy Couples: • Complain but don’t criticize • Accept responsibility and influence • Show appreciation (vs. contempt) • Stay engaged (vs. stonewalling)

28. What Else? Other Things Doomed Couples Do • More negativity than positivity • Low ratios of positive to negative emotions • See their partner through mud-colored glasses • Negative, or no, response to “bids for attention” • High physiological arousal during conflict

29. Happy Couples: • Have high ratios of positive emotions to negative ones in their interactions • See their partners through rose-colored glasses • Respond positively to “bids for attention” • Keep themselves calm during conflict

30. All Couples Have Problems Some couples deal with them better than others

31. 4 Types of Problems: • Solvable • Cyclical: Upward Spiraling • Wounding: Downward Spiraling • Deal-breakers

32. Happy Couples: • Have problems, but they: • Choose the “lesser gems” • Establish a constructive dialogue • See conflicts as specific problems to solve together • Fight in a way that isn’t wounding

33. How to Fight Turning wounding conflicts into upward spirals

34. Have a Good Fight • Stay calm • Begin gently • State your feelings and your needs – not their deficiency • Consider their “triggers” or vulnerabilities • Resolve the conflict by accepting influence

35. Happy Couples: • Accept what they can’t change, accept each other • Feel understood and accepted even during conflict • Communicate their acceptance as well as their complaints

36. Practice • Take responsibility for your own “horseman” behavior • Practice the antidotes • Pick an “action trigger” • Script your change • Categorize your problems • Establish a constructive dialogue

37. Important for children How parents fight affects kids as well

38. Practicing Forgiveness • How to forgive • BREAK 2:15 to 2:30 • How to repair and apologize • 3:00: What happy couples do

39. Practical Prescriptions Happy, sustainable, fulfilling relationships

40. Your Happiness Comes First • Change yourself, change your relationship • Emotions are contagious • Assess yourself: www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/testcenter.aspx

41. Emotions are contagious

42. Happy Couple How-to’s • Be his or her biggest fan • Recognize and respond to “bids for attention” • Help your partner grow • Prioritize romance and sex • Make these things habits

43. Be His or Her Biggest Fan • Always have the inside scoop • Be a great cheerleader • Show great admiration and sweet fondness

44. Happy Couple How-to’s • Be his or her biggest fan • Recognize and respond to “bids for attention” • Help your partner grow • Foster gratitude • Make these things habits

45. Help Your Partner Grow • How much does being with your partner result in your having new experiences? • How much do you see your partner as a way to expand your own capabilities? • How much has being with your partner resulted in your learning new things? • How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? Test yourself: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/12/31/the-sustainable-marriage-quiz/

46. Happy Couple How-to’s • Be his or her biggest fan • Recognize and respond to “bids for attention” • Help your partner grow • Prioritize romance and sex • Make these things habits

47. Happy Couple How-to’s • Be his or her biggest fan • Recognize and respond to “bids for attention” • Help your partner grow • Prioritize romance and sex • Make these things habits

48. THANK YOU! "There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.” —George Sand www.GreaterGoodScience.org

49. You are a part of the Greater Good! • Here’s how to participate: • Sign up for our FREE e-newsletter • Volunteer • Become a member • Follow us on Facebook and Twitter • Make a tax-deductible donation • Attend TedxGoldenGateED on June 11 • Visit www.GreaterGoodScience.org • Write us at Greater@berkeley.edu

50. Tool: Listening Meditation • Stress kills happiness • Mindfulness and meditation are among the most effective ways cope with stress • Download more meditations: • http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22