Love Languages for Leaders

1. Love Languages for Leaders February 14, 2014 CPAC Drive In Conference Jake Kasper

2. Love Languages for Leaders • Overview of Presentation • Let’s define LOVE? • Can you have Love as a leader? • Do you/can you love those you lead? • How do you like to be loved? • How can I use love as a leader?

3. Let’s define LOVE? • Love is a profound feeling of tender affection for or intense attraction to another. • It is considered a deep, ineffable feeling shared in passionate or intimateinterpersonal relationships • However, in different contexts, the word love has a variety of related but distinct meanings: in addition to • romantic love, which is characterized by a mix of emotional and sexual desire, other forms include • Platonic love, religious love, familial love, and the more casual application of the term to anyone or anything that one considers strongly pleasurable, enjoyable, or desirable, including activities and foods

4. Using Love Languages as a leader • The Concept: Motivating by Appreciation Why is feeling appreciated so important in a work setting? • Because each of us wants to know that what we are doing matters. Without a sense of being valued by supervisors and colleagues, workers start to feel like a machine or a commodity. • Why “Just Saying Thanks” doesn’t work • For recognition and appreciation to be effective, they must be individualized and delivered personally. • Appreciation needs to be viewed as valuable to the recipient in order to have an impact. • Employees are more likely to “burn out” when they do not feel appreciated or emotionally supported by their supervisors.

5. Can you have Love as a leader? • What does it look like? “Recognitionis the greatest motivator.” • Gerard C. Eakesdale “People may take a job for more money, but they often leave it for more recognition.” Bob Nelson 64% • US Dept. Labor

6. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

7. Herzberg’s Motivation-Hygiene Theory

8. What is your love Language? • Adapted survey • Not scientific

9. The 5 Love Languages • Dr. Gary Chapman • Heterosexual marriage prep • Applicable for many uses • As leaders we must be multilingual

10. What is your language?

11. The Five Love Languages • Words of Affirmation • Quality Time • Receiving Gifts • Acts of Service • Physical Touch

12. Words of Affirmation • Love Language #1 • Words of Affirmation Words, both oral and written, can be used to affirm and encourage those around us. Some people prefer personal one-on-one communication, while others value being praised in front of others (but it is important to know that relatively few people like to receive public affirmation in front of a large group.) As with all languages of appreciation, there are many dialects.A dialect is a unique way to speak a particular language: • Praise for accomplishments…BE SPECIFIC “Thanks for showing up early and making sure we were ready to go when the kids arrived,” is far more effective than, “Thanks, you did a good job tonight.” • Affirmation for character…“Kim, you are an incredibly compassionate person I have observed the way you respond to people who are expressing frustration. You genuinely seek to understand their perspective. I truly admire you for that.” • Focusing on personality… “When I walk into your office, I am always inspired. Your desk is always so neat. I wish I were more organized. I really admire that about you.”

13. Quality Time Love Language #2 • Quality Time • Personal, focused time and attention with their supervisor is highly affirming for some. But others enjoy different types of time — “hanging out” with their coworkers, working together as a team on a project, or just having someone take the time to listen to them. And the type of time desired can differ significantly depending on whether it is with colleagues or with their supervisor. • Dialects: • Quality conversation…empathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context It’s about what we are hearingnot what we are saying. • Shared experiences… for some employees, sharing experiences with their colleagues is an important was for them to feel connected and encouraged. • Small group dialogue… some people will feel more comfortable in a small group where the supervisor is asking for ideas and suggestions and is listening attentively and expresses appreciation for their openness. • Working in close physical proximity with coworkers in accomplishing a project.

14. Receiving Gifts Love Language #3 • Tangible Gifts • The key to an effective gift in the workplace is the “thought,” not the amount of money spent. Taking time to notice what your colleagues enjoy (chocolate, coffee, cashews), observing their hobbies and interests (sports, books, crafts) and buying them a small related gift shows that you are getting to know them as a person and understand what is important to them. • Gifts: The Who and the What • First, you need to give gifts primarily to those individuals who appreciate them. If an employee’s primary language is gifts, then you want to give them the kind of gifts that would be meaningful to the them. • Second, you must give a gift the person values. Those who do not understand the true spirit of gift giving fail to understand that it is not solely receiving a gift that matters. Rather, showing appreciation through tangible gifts is effective when the gift shows that the giver has spent time and energy thinking about the gift. Conversely, thoughtless gifts with no real personal investment of time or reflection not only miss the mark but also communicate a negative message.

15. Receiving Gifts Love Language #3 Tangible Gifts • The key to an effective gift in the workplace is the “thought,” not the amount of money spent. Taking time to notice what your colleagues enjoy (chocolate, coffee, cashews), observing their hobbies and interests (sports, books, crafts) and buying them a small related gift shows that you are getting to know them as a person and understand what is important to them. • More than a Mug: Ideas on how to be thought-FULLrather than thought-LESS • Who are your favorite musical artists? • What is your favorite magazine? • What are some of your favorite leisure activities? • Who are your favorite sports teams? • Which are your favorite restaurants? • What events do you enjoy attending? • See “The Art of Giving a Gift without Buying a ‘Thing’” in the Appreciation Toolkit

16. Acts of Service Love Language #4 Acts of Service Assisting in getting a task done can be extremely encouraging to a colleague. Helping a teammate “dig out” from being behind, working collaboratively on a project that would be difficult to do alone, or just working alongside them on a task, are all ways to demonstrate appreciation for their efforts. How to serve effectively: • Make sure your own responsibilities are covered before volunteering to help others. • Ask before you help. • Serve voluntarily. • Check your attitude. • If you are going to help, do it their way. • Complete what you start (communicate limits).

17. Acts of Service Appreciation Language #4 Acts of Service • Assisting in getting a task done can be extremely encouraging to a colleague. Helping a teammate “dig out” from being behind, working collaboratively on a project that would be difficult to do alone, or just working alongside with them on a task, are all ways to demonstrate appreciation for their efforts. • How to Help: Suggestions from the workplace • Stay after hours to help me complete a project • Offer to do some menial task that will allow me to focus on higher priorities • Volunteer to do work for me that I dislike doing • Help me to get my computer to work more efficiently • Assist me in cleaning up equipment at the end of the day • Bring me or my team some food when we are working long hours to complete a project

18. Physical Touch Love Language #5 • Appropriate Physical Touch • While we acknowledge that physical touch is less important in work-based relationships, and the potential for abuse exists, we still find that appropriate physical touch is meaningful. Usually, it occurs spontaneously and in the context of celebration — a “high five,” fistbump, slap on the back, or congratulatory handshake. To not touch one another at all often leads to a cold, impersonal environment. • Is there a place for Physical Touchin a work setting? • There are displays of physical touch that may be acceptable expressions of appreciation; however, the appropriateness of these depends on the person, the type of work relationship, and the organizational subculture in which this occurs. • Despite the challenges associated with touching in the workplace, the authors believe the potential benefits of appropriate touch are significant enough not to abandon this language of appreciation altogether. Physical touch has been demonstrated to be critical for healthy infant and childhood development and has been shown to positively affect educational learning, emotional health, and to create a sense of acceptance.

19. Questions?

20. Resources Chapman, Gary (2004). The Five Love Languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate, Zondervan Publishers Lunenbach, Fred C. and Ornstein, Allan C. (2004). Educational Administration-Concpets and Practices, Belmont, CA., Wadsworth. http://homepages.uhwo.hawaii.edu/~rprizzia/pubad351/images/02-04.gif http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs Much of this was adapted from Brian Shimamoto’s work