Where We Are

1. Where We Are • Conflict Management • Understanding & diagnosing conflicts • Goals & interests • Power • Evaluating & managing conflicts • Effective communication skills • Forgiveness & reconciliation

2. Excellent Communication Skills Are Vital • Effective listening • Advocacy and inquiry • Ladder of inference • Framing & reframing • Effective feedback • Assertiveness (rather than aggression or passivity)

3. Effective Listening • Very important • Not easy or automatic • What are some barriers to effective listening?

4. Some Barriers • Don’t want to get involved • Preoccupied &/or mind wanders • Just waiting to get in • Formulating your next message • Personal beliefs about message • Evaluating, judging the other & message • Holding negative attitudes • Not asking for clarification, when needed

5. Active Listening • Reflective listening • Paraphrasing & clarifying the message • …in different words • Conveying understanding & acceptance • Not necessarily agreement • Allows verification of message sent & correction of misunderstanding before acting on it

6. Effective Listening • Active listening • Listening with: • Openness • Focus • Awareness • Empathy

7. Advocacy Is Overused

8. Need Balance

9. Advocacy Is Overused

10. Need Balance

11. Inquiry • Ask for additional information • Use active listening: • To check on your understanding • To let the other know you understand • Listening and understanding does not: • Mean you agree • Weaken your negotiating position

12. Practice Inquiry & Effective Listening • Role play In groups of 3: one person advocates a strong position on some controversial topic (doesn’t have to believe this) • Second person inquires, using effective listening • First advocates further • Second inquires further, using effective listening • Others observe • Discuss, possibly replay • Switch roles and repeat

13. Ladder of Inference

14. Ladder of Inference

15. The Situation • X & Y are managers, reporting to the same VP • X just made a proposal in a staff meeting • Y speaks loudly: “Certainly the company needs some new business options. This is a creative, interesting idea, but I have a lot of questions. What is the basis for your conclusion that this project would break-even in less than one year?”

16. How Might X React? • Focus on “…but I have a lot of questions” and that Y was speaking loudly • Y is trying to make me look bad and shoot down my proposal • Y is a *#!#* lazy bureaucrat who is not willing to make things happen, but doesn’t want anyone else to make him look bad by their accomplishments…

17. What level on the ladder of inference? • He said, "There are many issues that need to be explored carefully with the various stakeholders. And, I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it any more." His voice volume rose steadily and was quite loud by the end. • He shouted, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it any more." • He's just a hothead with a "hair trigger" who gets angry easily. • He's mad because he feels the other stakeholders are using unfair tactics. • He is really upset and not willing to discuss this any more. • He's mad because he thinks he is losing the debate. • His "righteous anger" is completely justified.

18. How is this model useful? • Represents different ways we process & deal with events • Higher levels mean greater errors & usually more conflict • Helps us avoid and recognize higher levels • Then reexamine initial assumptions & extrapolations from actual data • Reminds us to operate closer to the data

19. Framing • Provides context for discussion or negotiations • Selecting & emphasizing certain aspects • Excluding or minimizing others • Clarifying objectives and constraints

20. Framing Examples • Things are so uncertain with our business, we'd better not "rock the boat!" • Our business is in such a nose dive, we must do something different right away or we will lose it all! • Our business has major troubles. We need some help in diagnosing the problems and developing solutions.

21. Reframing • Can change the context and dynamics to permit productive discussion • Some examples: • She is arrogant -> She is confident • He is not a team player -> He is unusually clear about what he wants to do • She is uncooperative -> Our dispute may have caused her to pull back

22. Reframe complaints as requests • Let’s try reframing these as requests: • You’re always late!  • I can’t stand your messes in the apartment!  • You never appreciate what I do!  • Practice some in pairs: • One person makes a complaint • Generate at least two possible requests

23. Another Case • Ann and Hal • In conflict over stuff lying around the house and reactions to it • Escalating, with Ann increasingly upset with Hal’s leaving things around the house – and Hal increasingly unhappy with her complaints

24. How might each (Ann and Hal) reframe the following complaints into requests?

25. You stack your papers on the counter, the tables, the floors, even in the bathroom. • You say that there is no reason not to leave papers around the house. • You just don’t care about our house and how it looks.

26. You don’t respect me! • You are an unmitigated, unredeemable slob, who doesn’t care about me or our family!! I don’t know if I can continue to live with you!! • When you leave stacks of papers around the house, I feel upset – especially because I have asked you many times not to do this.

27. Ladder of Inference

28. Where on the Ladder of Inference? • You stack your papers on the counter, the tables, the floors, even in the bathroom. • You say that there is no reason not to leave papers around the house. • You just don’t care about our house and how it looks.

29. You don’t respect me! • You are an unmitigated, unredeemable slob, who doesn’t care about me or our family!! I don’t know if I can continue to live with you!! • When you leave stacks of papers around the house, I feel upset – especially because I have asked you many times not to do this.

30. Two Different Frames 1. This is land settled by our ancestors thousands of years ago, under direction from God, resettled by our fathers over half a century ago, and developed and improved by our people since. This land is vital to the protection of our people from the criminal terrorist attacks of the Palestinians, who the Palestinian leaders have refused to control. We must never give up one inch of this land!

31. Two Different Frames 2. This is land inhabited by our ancestors for thousands of years. This land is vital to the development of a viable Palestinian homeland, which should be an independent Palestinian state. There can be no peace until we drive out the invaders and regain our rightful possession of this land!

32. Reframing 3. This is very special land, characterized by thousands of years of history involving ancestors of you both. It has historical and religious importance for both of you. You both have a sincere desire to find a solution to the conflict that stops the bloodshed and that provides a basis for your peoples to live in peace.

33. Your Live Case - 4 • Individually: • Frame the case from your viewpoint, then from the viewpoint of your major opponent • Reframe the case in a way that might begin to build a bridge between your and your opponent’s original frames • In a group of three: • Present your three frames and ask for help in gaining further understanding

34. Framing Can… • Determine which issues people notice • Establish how the issues will be approached • Provide opportunities to explain reasoning • Create a bridge between parties in conflict • Be misused and abused • Help leaders manage meaning (in appropriate ways) - to mobilize others to want to struggle for shared aspirations

35. Where We Are(re Communication Skills) • Advocacy and inquiry • Effective listening • Ladder of inference • Framing & reframing • Effective feedback • Assertiveness (rather than aggression or passivity)

36. Feedback is more effective when you: • Are specific • Deal with behavior you observed • “Own” the feedback, for example • When you (said or did)__, I felt __, because __ • Provide verifiable feedback • Acknowledge the receiver's freedom of choice about changes • Inquire & check for understanding • Intend to be helpful

37. Practice Feedback • Role-play in groups: • One is manager and speaks to second person (staff reporting to the manager), giving feedback about some performance problem • Others in group give feedback on the feedback • All discuss • Rotate roles and repeat

38. Three Communication Styles • Passive • Accommodate others’ needs • Withhold feelings, thoughts, and wishes • Find it hard to say no • Aggressive • Compete vigorously to maximize self-interests • Speak and act at others’ expense • Don’t hear others • Attack others

39. Assertive • Collaborate, also willing to compromise • Make direct statements regarding feelings, thoughts, and wishes • Stand up for your rights • Consider the rights and feelings of others • Inquire and listen actively • Make direct requests and direct refusals • Deal effectively with criticism

40. Practice Assertiveness • In groups, one describes a situation they want to change (perhaps related to their live case) • That person role-plays what they would say to the other, in assertive mode • Remaining group members give feedback, all discuss • Same person tries again, as necessary • Rotate roles and repeat

41. Self-centered or a centered self? • A self-centered person thinks things should orbit around him/her • A centered self can be recognized by interest in others, lack of stress, availability, flexibility, attention, generosity, laughter, joy, fun… • A centered self sees the value of letting others do their part, of expecting others to be part of a team • A centered self can both give and receive.

42. Improve Personal Centering • Improve and use introspection and self-understanding • Let go of baggage • Work on emotional balance • Become proactive, rather than reactive

43. 10 Strategies for Centeringhttp://underhile.blogspot.com/2011/04/ten-strategies-toward-becoming-centered.html • Allow life to unfold. Be mindful with your thoughts, words, and actions. Trust others to do the same • Avoid blaming, be forgiving • Relax, avoid seeking perfection in self & others • Bring resolution to all conversations, conflicts, and commitments • Take time everyday to appreciate life

44. Allow your feelings, fears, hopes, dreams. Allow your true self to be fully present • Recognize things as they are, accept reality • Be trustworthy & sincere • Allow yourself to perceive, think, interpret, feel, desire, & imagine in your own way. Extend that honor to others • Give others space; extend a hand, but respect the boundaries, beliefs, dreams, and hopes of others.

45. Keeping your emotional tank filled adequately • Being a centered self opens us to all kinds of new possibilities – best of all it allows each of us to participate in life from our best selves • How often do you take daily time for yourself, to focus on what you need to replenish your tank so that you can perform well and give to others? • Make a list of things that refill your tank • Do some of these every day

46. “Try to pose for yourself this task: not to think of a polar bear, and you will see that the cursed thing will come to mind every minute.” - Dostoevsky (1863)

47. What can help suppress the ‘white bears’? • Pick an absorbing distractor and focus on that instead • Postpone the thought, e.g., set aside ½ hour a day for worrying • Cut back on multitasking (to reduce mental load) • Exposure (allow yourself to think in controlled ways of the thing that you want to avoid • Meditation and mindfulness

48. Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience

49. Two components of mindfulness • Self-regulation of attention so that it is maintained on immediate experience • Adopting a particular orientation toward one’s experiences in the present moment, characterized by curiosity, openness, and acceptance • Useful source, with depth: http://www.jimhopper.com/mindfulness/

50. Apply Some of These • Effective listening • Advocacy and inquiry • Ladder of inference • Framing & reframing • Effective feedback • Assertiveness (rather than aggression or passivity) • Personal centering