Walking, Thinking, Laughing

1. Walking, Thinking, Laughing Justin Crum

2. Pg 3, Baby Narrative, “Talking Through the Night” Pg 4, Fear Narrative, “The Rollercoaster Ride” Pg 5, Quiet Narrative, “Through the Rain and the Fog” Pg 6, Loud Narrative, “Puck First, Ball Next” Pg 7, Allegory Narrative, “Blasting Headphones” Pg 8, Pursuing Happiness, “Through Life and Memories” Pg 9, 10 Items Narrative, “The Fated Match” Pg 10, Feeling Narrative, “If Only, If Only” Pg 11, Loud Poem, “That’s a Goal!” Pg 12, Quiet Poem, “Falling Before My Eyes” Pg 13, Baby Poem, “Sleeping for Santa” Pg 14, Fear Poem, “Flying Through the Sky” Pg 15, Allegory Poem, “Louder, Louder, Gone” Pg 16, 10 Item Poem, “The Match” Pg 17, Minute Poem, “Scorning, Drifting Insanely” Pg 18 – 20, Feeling Poem, “The Escape” Table of Contents

3. Talking Through the Night When I was younger I was… Well different. That night was one I have a few good memories from, untainted by the events of my current life. My brother and I built forts every Christmas and attempt to catch Santa. That night, like most others for me at the time, I would not stop talking. Looking back now, I think I may have annoyed my brother but that is ok. Finally, even my mom got tired of me talking and bouncing off the walls, so she put us to sleep in our fort of the year, well more of a tent I suppose. That year our parents had bought us a tent in the form of a Jurassic Park jeep. As we got put to bed my excitement for the following day faded as exhaustion set in. With that, I drifted off to sleep with a contented expression on my face and the thought in my mind that tomorrow would be a good day.

4. The Rollercoaster Ride As a child, I was afraid of heights almost to a fault; I would not go on any roller coasters or water slides. When we went to water parks or amusement parts, I would refuse to go on all the rides that went high up into the air. As I grew older I still feared it but would not let it get in the way of having fun. I would go to amusement parks and do everything I could, even if I had to close my eyes. Then, one summer I went to a park and my brother tricked me. As we walked around, he exclaimed, “Let’s go on that one!” So with nothing better to do in mind, we got into the line. Half way through the line, as I looked up through the trees, my brother starts to laugh at my expression. He watched me as I saw the roller coaster flip over and go upside down, and had seen the look on my face. Quickly, he grabbed me right as I tried to bolt off down the sideline that was not currently being used. Afterwards, we began making our way through the remaining line, my brother calmed me down. As we were about to step in, he made me promise to keep my eyes open. Then, as we were getting on the ride, I took off my glasses, supposedly on the pretense that I didn’t want them falling off. Afterwards, my brother asked me what I thought of it, and surprisingly, I loved it. We won’t tell him that it was much nicer without being able to tell what was going on, will we?

5. Through the Rain and the Fog I walked along the quiet street as I felt the cool droplets hit my face. My glasses were foggy but I would not worry about it; I could do nothing about it in my current state. Even if I were to try wiping it off, my damp shirt would resist my efforts laughing in my face. The air around me smelled as fresh as new spring in the mountains as I padded along, but this was far from my mind at the time. As I walked, my mind drifted back to past occurrences, not caring about the cold that was creeping in on my body. No, my mind only cared about what had happened in the time leading up to this; the horrible life that not only I, but those around me had led for the past week. My brother almost died this week; my diabetic brother decided to binge drink, at the age of seventeen. But why would he do that? Then, stopping and realizing I was soaked through and cold, I set aside my problems for another day. As I walked back home, I felt the drops become inconsistent and sighed; it was over.

6. Puck First, Ball Next I cheered along with everyone else as the puck made a resounding wham on the boards behind the net. The score was 4 to 3, but my mind was off wandering through the noisy abyss of the stadium. Only three hours left, and the game would be long over before then. Suddenly, a player on the ice is tripped and the crowd lets out a simultaneous boo, and then followed by a cheer; a power play! The crowd starts to make some more noise as the face-off takes place, trying to pump up the players for the ensuing two minutes. Then, silence as the crowd collectively takes in a breath, unconsciously holding it in anticipation of what could happen. They dump it in and chase the puck; another offender gets possession and it is on. The Coyotes begin to cycle the puck, moving it from player to player; looking for an opening. There it is! The pass is made and the point man takes the shot. Silence, then, beep! The puck is in and the surrounding crowd roar with happiness as I moan in frustration. We let in such an easy shot, but no one was in the shooting lane. I look back at my watch to see that we still had a couple of hours until the current countdown of the year was over.

7. Blasting Headphones The day, that monumental day. We were going to all sort of places that day, and I was doing my best to keep entertaining everyone around me. They paid attention to me now, but what about later? As they listened to me, passing me around as I blared through the headphones. The tragedy struck and what had been playing flashed off. Everyone around me grows quiet and still, hoping this is only an elaborate hoax. And although it seems as if they don’t appreciate me, this shows me differently. They scream with agony and cry with anguish as they realize I am gone. Knowing this, they sit quietly and wait for an idea to pop into their mind as they can feel the boredom in the air around them. Then I hear people rummaging through the back, hoping that maybe, just maybe, they packed a car charger. But alas, it is not to be. As I realize this, I begin to laugh and then sigh in relief as I know that they can’t put me through anymore trauma.

8. Through Life and Memories Long ago, it began. It will last my lifetime and many others will follow in my steps. Throughout my life, how I deal with it has changed. I started out as a child, unknown and untainted by life’s cruel hazards and experiences. My life was so much simpler back then, with the only worries of what I would get for Christmas and would we get to go anywhere? Then as I began to age, and maturity took place of purity, the changes grew significant. I no longer could only worry about myself and if my parents would be more or less generous than last year. As I went through life, striving for happiness every step of the way, struggles came up and obstacles were thrown in my path. We moved many times during those years, and many times I grew homesick; I wanted to go back to Colorado. Now, living in Arizona with my family in fragments and my brother in Anaheim, the adventure grows longer and increasingly difficult to succeed in. So, as I continue to go on with my life, hoping that I will get a chance, I make plans for what if; what if I don’t achieve what I want? It has happened before, but this time will definitely be the worst. So, knowing this I begin my descent to the pits of my mind; preparing myself to dwell alone and find what little salvation I can.

9. The Fateful Match It was beautiful day in San Diego and people from all over the country were congregating in the city center. I was on my second direct elimination round against someone from Virginia. As we begin I saw the slightly-overweight director off to the side. There it is, I thought, and it begins. As the duel continues we trade off the lead, at one point I’m ahead by three, but that does not last long. Then the director calls a halt. Three minutes have passed now and the first period is over with the result of a 7 to 8 score with him in the lead. My coach is telling me to keep on this way. As the cool water drips down my throat I can taste the sweat falling off the bridge of my nose and onto my tongue and I feel my trembling hand holding my blade. As the minute break ends, we begin to go back to our starting positions. Forward, forward, retreat, advance – then it felt as if I were flying across the strip as I fleched him. The buzz goes off, yes it is a point! After a few more touches, many of which came from my blade parrying, as if dancing. So now it is 13 to 14 and I take in my surroundings, I smell my dad eating his pizza.. Ahh wait! 13 to 14 what can I do? He fleches me and I attempt a par – buzzz!

10. If Only If Only I walked home that day, not sure what to expect. I( was tired and out of it, only barely staying awake throughout the day. The previous day had been rough and I didn’t know what I was doing, just that I felt an overwhelming need to train as hard as possible for the upcoming months. But… If I were truthful with myself, was that really why I wanted to train that hard? I figured I could keep my mind off of current events if I tried hard enough. And besides I had a good excuse for anything that could possibly go wrong; I just want to get ready for the nationals! S as I got home I went to my room and, laying down on my bed, thought about my life as I went through it. I had gone from place to place all my life for no real reason, and yet, I still had issues that shouldn’t have occurred. I guess that should have been my first warning not to go out that afternoon. I got up, grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge, then went and got on the treadmill. I thought I would start it out slowly and work up, not really thinking about what could happen; what the doctors warned me was quite possible only a couple weeks ago. Without that in mind, I turned it to 2.5 miles per hour and began to walk in place. As I did this, I turned on my i-Pod and started listening to my favorite rock music to keep me from growing bored as I walked. As I felt warmed up, I started turning up the speed gradually, sometimes not realizing it was happening. I felt it go up to four miles per hour and I decided that I needed to start running, walking burned too much at this speed. Then, I felt the familiar dizziness start to set in and thought in some corner of my mind, that I should probably stop. But, as I thought this, I felt my world go black.

11. That’s a Goal! Cheering, counting, continuing, A new period, But still three hours of left, BEEEEP!! There it is. Cheering, counting, continuing, A new year, As everyone cheers, And wonders what, What may happen?

12. Falling Before My Eyes Walking, Thinking Water wallowing wastefully As I walk, I feel the creeping, And the water seeping. I sit here thinking As the weeks pass, My life goes on Without acknowledgement. It was over.

13. Sleeping for Santa At the age of five, I want to be a mage, So badly, it felt worse than bones breaking, As I sat there waiting, watching, walking I wondered when the man, Would arrive, the man of the night. When I waited, trying to outstare the doll, The doll watching me from the wall. Waiting impatiently; perhaps patience grows as I do? I thought that we would stay immature and carefree For as long as it mattered to me. I thought life stayed, However I began it. That was how I planned to end it. But as all kids do, I dreamed the impossible dream For what I asked, I asked too much of. Without any reason to do, Anything I wanted.

14. Flying Through the Sky Railing, rolling, sliding, It scared me like a tiger flying through the brush In fact, that was where the problem lied. Looking down, higher than mountains above a small town, Coasters, castling clouds, clouding my vision from clearing. Walking through the line, slow as… As a snail, I suppose. Upside down, right side up Shutting my eyes, so I will not see the skies Above me, flying past as I go sliding. Speeding up, slowing down, climbing away from the ground That I feel so accustomed to As I walk everyday along it. But now I feel nothing, Nothing but dangling in the air, and the thrill of it all.

15. Louder, Louder, Gone I go boom in thy ear I am not quiet For I make you not hear But I might ask you to go on a diet You put up with me And use me as you please But only if you need Because, as you see If you don’t Ill drop to they knees Or I will make your ears bleed.

16. The Match Looking around, my dad eating pizza My hand trembling, trying to hold the sword Sweat dripping down my face I glance over to my opponent And the director whom is with him. Looking around, others parrying, yelling. Looks of frustration on their face Scores even worse what if that occurs to me? Thinking, hoping, and yet Knowing. Looking around, the score is at 13 – 14 I fleched at him, Buzzzz Buzzzz Glancing over… In disappointment.

17. Scorning, Drifting Insanely Thoughts drifting through my mind, scorning The only mourning And as I said, Tis in my head. Tonight ends insanely for me Because I see Myself through mist Others on lists And as I feel myself down and… Torn …Only for this morn Tis everyone? I need someone.

18. The Escape As I lay here in the bleached room I have become so accustomed to, And yet hate with all the passion in my heart, I remember the events to what brought me full circle. I remember the tears I shed for no apparent reason, Getting on the treadmill, And turning it on at 2.5. I stay at that pace for a few minutes, The race, the race to forget, is on. I up the treadmill to 3.5. All around me I hear the quiet hum of the machine at work, I hear the dull thud of my feet hitting the belt, And the classic rock music that was buzzing in my ear. The speed gets upped again, Though I do not remember ever touching it.

19. The Escape Cont. My heart is racing, pounding against my chest, I feel the familiar dizziness come on, But I am off in my own world now. In the back of my mind, it seems like the treadmill appears to be speeding up again, Though I just go with it and ignore the emotions coming from my brain, I feel the sweat slowly dripping down my… My body? I remember thinking, no, that can’t be right I was only at 3.5 miles per hour, 330... 340… I passed the blood pressure the doctors stopped me at during the exam. 350… 360… Before I realize it, 400.. Somewhere in the distance of my mind, Where coherent thought stills occurs, I know I should stop. But right as I am thinking this, Everything draws to a blank, and blackness engulfs me.

20. The Escape, Cont. I don’t remember anything after that, The doctors say I suffered a sever head injury, I split my skull after enduring a stroke on the treadmill. And now, all I can remember, Are the tears that I shed, The feelings going through my overly-exhausted mind, When I went looking for an escape.