Building a Marriage with a Mission

1. Building a Marriage with a Mission FORGIVENESS

2. Thinking Biblically… • The GOAL: Gen 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (NIV) • For what reason … • Gen 2:23 23 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,‘ for she was taken out of man.“ (from New International Version) • What stands in the way of this? • Lack of repentance/ forgiveness / bitterness.

3. Thinking Biblically… Repentance – Mark Driscoll • Repentance is putting to death our sin by the power of the Holy Spirit. • We can put to death our sin, or sin will kill our marriages. • Repentance is not • Getting caught, but rather coming clean. • Worldly sorrow • Denying our sin. • Diminishing our sin • Managing our sin • Blame-shifting our sin • Not excusing our sin • About someone else’s sin • Manipulating God or people for blessing 2 Cor 7:8-11 Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it-I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while- 9 yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. 10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. (NIV)

4. A BIBLICAL VIEW • How we are wired. • Ps 9:16 The LORD is known by his justice; the wicked are ensnared by the work of their hands. • Sense of justice. • Forgiveness matters to God • Heb 12:15-16 See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. 16 See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son. • Why is a bitter root a big deal?

5. Forgiveness matters to God • Matt 18:21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. • Matt 18:25-27 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. 26 "The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' 27 The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. • The punch line …Matt 18:32-34 "Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' 34 In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. • Homework – Read Matt 18:21-35

6. Forgiveness matters to God • God’s view of forgiveness – it is all about HIS forgiveness. • We nurse bitterness thinking we are holding something over someone … • The reality – we are the ones in prison • This drives God to discipline us …

7. I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, except through Me. (John 14:6) Rom 10:8-9 That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. Rom 5:6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Man God God Man Gen 3:6-11 6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. 8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?" 10 He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid." 11 And he said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?" (from New International Version) Gen 1:26-31 26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. 28 God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground." … 31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning--the sixth day. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Rom 3:23) … Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come. (Rev 4:8) For the wages of sin is death. (Rom 6:23) Your eyes are too pure to approve evil, and You can not look on wickedness with favor. (Hab. 1:13) Sin In fact, the law requires that nearly everything be cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness. (Heb 9:22)

8. 5 Languages of Apology – Gary Chapman • Expressing regret. • Godly regret … • Accepting responsibility. • Making restitution. • Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior • Requesting forgiveness • Ok, guys give this a try… apologize for something in the last week…

9. Granting Forgiveness – Gary Chapman/Mark Driscoll (MD) • Forgiveness is not a feeling. • I don’t forgive because I feel like it… • Forgiveness is not denying, approving, or diminishing sin that is committed against us. (MD) • Forgiveness is not naivety or enabling sin. (MD) • Forgiveness does not destroy our memories. • Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences. • Forgiveness does not rebuilt trust (necessary but not over night) • Forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation – to bring back into harmony. (Both)

10. Granting Forgiveness – Gary Chapman/Mark Driscoll • Forgiveness is not neglecting justice. (MD) • Forgiveness is not waiting for someone to acknowledge sin, apologize, and repent. (MD)

11. How do you know? • 3 tests • The overflowing cup. • The math of relationships • Rate the offense • Rate the reaction • Above the ground – Below the ground • What was said … • What did it trigger – emotions etc.

12. Action plan – part A • Keep poison from seeping in to our foundation • Using the Bible’s language of apology: • I DID X ----- Name the sin … • I was WRONG …. Admit • I am SORRY ….. Real remorse vs. false remorse • 2 Cor 7:10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. • Will you please forgive me? • Response: Yes, I forgive you? • ONCE FORGIVENESS IS GRANTED, DON’T PICK AT THE SCAB.

13. Action plan – part B • Phase 1 – Forgiveness with your will – • Make the list • It hurt me when …. • I choose to forgive – not feeling based • Col 3:12-14 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (NIV) • Phase 2 – Forgiveness with your heart • Pray for God to heal your heart • Stay active in prayer until God finishes the job • Phase 3 – Reconciliation • The primary burden for reconciliation is on the offender • You can trust God whether reconciliation happens or not

14. Other important disciplines • Three antidotes to bitterness • Practicing Thankfulness • The root of bitterness is focus on me … • The easiest way to move the focus off me is to be thankful • Phil 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. • Encouragement • Pouring yourself out for your spouse • 1 Thess 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. • Communications • Re-look at what Grant Stenzel did 2 weeks ago…

15. Group Discussion • Do you remember the last time you apologized? If so, what did you say? • Think back to the last time someone apologized to you. How did it go? Did is seem sincere? Did you forgive the other person? • Is there anyone you need to apologize to today? • Have you already seen pain from your past affecting your relationship? • What was the most meaningful thing that you heard today?

16. A similar model… • The Three Steps to ForgivenessAfter you have decided to forgive, you may experience the wrestling and turmoil of emotions. Follow these three steps: • Recite Forgiveness Scripture“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32) Forgiveness starts with God; the first step is the declaration of truth. • Personalize the Forgiveness ScriptureNow make this truth your own, by inserting personal facts into the verse: “Help me Lord to be kind to my husband, forgiving him for his sin against me, because you have forgiven every one of my sins!” • Pray for an Un-Saved Loved One Needing ForgivenessNow we pray for another person (always pray for the same person—until the prayer is answered!).“Lord Jesus, I also pray for ______; I’m asking you to reveal yourself to him, so that he can experience the forgiveness of all of his sins too! • These three steps provide a way of conquering all of the negative and contrary emotions that fight against forgiveness. Learning how to forgive includes implementing a strategy to think properly. • http://www.the-intimate-couple.com/how-to-forgive.html