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LIES IN CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS

LIES IN CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS. Some marriages founder on deception; others are founded on it. Peter De Vries. THE TRUTH BIAS. WE OFTEN OPERATE AS IF WE CAN FULLY KNOW REALITY SIMULTANEOUSLY, WE ARE OFTEN AWARE OUR KNOWLEDGE IS DISTORTED & LIMITED.

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LIES IN CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS

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  1. LIES IN CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS

  2. Some marriages founder on deception; others are founded on it. Peter De Vries

  3. THE TRUTH BIAS • WE OFTEN OPERATE AS IF WE CAN FULLY KNOW REALITY • SIMULTANEOUSLY, WE ARE OFTEN AWARE OUR KNOWLEDGE IS DISTORTED & LIMITED

  4. AND THAT OUR EXISTENCE IS BASED ON MILLIONS OF PREMISES WE CAN’T VERIFY AND MUST TAKE ON FAITH • THUS, WE NORMALLY ASSUME OTHERS WILL TELL US THE TRUTH--UNLESS REASONS TO THE CONTRARY EXIST

  5. CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS • TRUST IS THE BYWORD OF CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS, SO INITIALLYLIES ARE VERY HARD TO DETECT • FURTHERMORE, THE TRUTH BIAS IS STRONGER FOR PARTICIPANTS INTERACTING THAN FOR OBSERVERS OR BYSTANDERS

  6. BUT…FAMILIARITY WITH PARTNER’S BEHAVIORAL BASELINES & MULTIPLE EXPOSURES OVER TIME, LEADS TO GREATER ACCURACY IN DETECTION ONCE SUSPICIONS ARE AROUSED

  7. BUT…ACCURATE DETECTION MAY NOT ALWAYS BE DESIRABLE IN CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS. CLOSE MONITORING MAY UNCOVER LIES, BUT IT ALSO SIGNALS DISTRUST AND MAY DESTROY CLOSENESS…SO PARTNERS MAY ENGAGE IN VARIOUS FORMS OF COLLABORATION OR CONNIVANCE

  8. EXAMPLE #1 • A SPOUSE MAY DETECT DECEPTION OR THE POSSIBILITY OF DECEPTION ON THE PART OF HIS OR HER PARTNER, BUT PRETEND THE SIGNS ARE NOT THERE OR MEAN SOMETHING ELSE. FACING THE TRUTH IS PERCEIVED AS POTENTIALLY HARDER THAN LIVING WITH THE LIE.

  9. EXAMPLE #2 • PARTNERS TO A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP COLLABORATE IN PERPETRATING A LIE OR LIES WHICH THEY BOTH FEEL HELP THEM MAINTAIN A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP

  10. ADVICE FOR PEOPLE IN CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS WHO ARE THINKING ABOUT LYING (and continuing the relationship)

  11. ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS AND REFLECT ON THE ANSWERS:

  12. HOW WILL THE LIE HELP USACHIEVE OUR SHORT/LONG RANGE GOALS? • DOES MY PARTNER OPERATE BY THE SAME RULES? (FAIRNESS) • DOES MY PARTNER KNOW I HAVE HIS/HER BEST INTERESTS AT HEART--GENERALLY & IN THIS SITUATION?

  13. CONDITIONS WHICH FOSTER LYING • SELF CONSEQUENCES • YOU CAN RECANT LATER WITH MINIMUM PUNISHMENT • HELPS YOU AS MUCH OR MORE THAN OTHER(S) • PUNISHMENT FOR TRUTH IS AS GREAT AS THAT FOR BEING CAUGHT LYING

  14. PERCEIVED LITTLE LIKELIHOOD THAT THE LIE CAN BE FOUND OUT (FEW WAYS TO CHECK IT) • YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES (THE OTHER ALREADY DISLIKES YOU)

  15. TARGET SUSCEPTIBILITY • YOU’VE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT BEFORE WITH THIS PERSON (OTHER IS EASILY DUPED) • THE OTHER PERSON SUSPECTS YOU’LL LIE TO HELP THEM…OR WANTS YOU TO LIE TO THEM • SELF/TARGET • HELPS OTHER AND DOESN’T HURT YOU IN THE LONG AND SHORT TERM

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