Dysfunctional Families

Dysfunctional Families Live and Let Live Share: Dysfunctional Families Page By: Bria Riley

Definition • A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior, and often child neglect or abuse on the part of individual parents occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions. Children sometimes grow up in such families with the understanding that such an arrangement is normal. Dysfunctional families are primarily a result of co-dependent adults, and may also be affected by addictions, such as substance abuse (alcohol, drugs, etc.), or sometimes an untreated mental illness.[1] Dysfunctional parents may emulate or over-correct from their own dysfunctional parents. In some cases, a "child-like" parent will allow the dominant parent to abuse their children. –Wikipedia

How Does a Dysfunctional Family Affect Children? • According to Healing the Child Within, growing up in a dysfunctional family leads to “stifling” of the child within. This means that the person can’t be who they are: showing creativity, outspokenness, kindness, intelligence, talent, develop their own value system openly, do things to make themselves feel good, have fun, and learn, and other traits that can not be shown due to “having to suck it up” to take care of the family and survive or because of strict, unreasonable family rules which make them in fear of punishment and ridicule. • EX: The Smiths are a strict, religious family. They do not allow their children to dress modern, believe in anything against their religious beliefs, question authority, wear any type of makeup or do anything on their body that is artificial ,watch cable television, use the internet, like anything that maybe against their religion such as rap music, voice their opinions, and hang with kids from public school. Lori is the middle child and takes interest in almost everything that is against her family’s beliefs. At the age of sixteen, she begins experimenting with drugs and alcohol and later becomes pregnant out of wedlock. She runs away in the middle of the night and elopes with her child’s father to Las Vegas, where she continues partying and descending into drug and alcohol addiction. She likes the drugs and the alcohol because they make her feel “free” and secure, something she never felt before. She also loves the scene because she has acceptance with her “friends” and “love” from all of the guys.

How Many Families in the World Are Dysfunctional? • According to Healing the Child Within, 95% of the world’s families are dysfunctional. When you do the math, that is pretty much everyone. • We may wonder if everyone is dysfunctional, why do we label certain families if we are also like that and everyone is like that: • Some have more dysfunction than others and it is more obvious than others. • “Everyone goes to the bathroom the same way” is what a friend always tells me. In other words, everyone has baggage, and everyone is imperfect. • You never know what goes on behind closed doors. • Example: The seemingly happy family you see at church on Sundays could have a very turbulent life at home with a father drinking and cheating, a mother who tries to keep everyone “perfect”, a brother who throws himself into work and focusing on getting into Harvard to escape (workaholic), a sister who is pregnant and lives with her drug-addict boyfriend because the mother threw her out, a younger brother who just got suspended from school, a younger sister who goes drinking on the weekend and is heading down her older sister’s path, and an even younger sister who feels deeply depressed inside, but never shows it. • Now not all families, are as bad as the above example, but that is the general idea of how ugly a family can be behind closed doors. • Many times, a dysfunctional family is extended to grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, first cousins once-removed, second cousins, etc.

Possible Effects of Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family into Adolescence and Adulthood • Growing up too fast because they need to have survival skills and may need to take care of younger siblings or cousins. (children having trouble making friends their own age due to maturity and feeling like an outcast) • Issues such as suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, and other metal health issues • Addiction due to substances making you feel good and having a lifestyle with a bunch of “friends” and living on the edge • Running away from home • Becoming pregnant with an illegitimate child and having poor self-control (due to giving yourself away to the love you never found a home and fun and pleasure they never had as children) • Marrying young to leave home and/or to have love • Issues in romantic life and sexuality • Confusion with love (possibly becoming a sex offender)` • Communication issues • Flashbacks; bad memories • Post-traumatic stress disorders • Denial/ choosing to forget truths and traumas • Ending up in a gang or in a life of crime because of having acceptance that the person never had at home in that scene or a love for that “rush” from doing something naughty, but still being accepted • Dropping out of school due to not having guidance and/or wanting to get out into the real world as soon a possible which may lead to living in poverty/homelessness even if the family is wealthy or middle-class • Distrust and fear of other people due to being hurt so many times as a child and never having an adult that you can trust • Poor self-control due to now being an adult and breaking free (promiscuity, compulsive spending, doing things that maybe harmful to health and welfare) • Low self-esteem and feeling “ugly, stupid, worthless” • Choosing to live far away from family and anything that reminds them of family life • Abandonment issues • Becoming a bully to have power and make others feel bad • Co-dependency and unhealthy, abnormal relationships due to not knowing healthy boundaries and feeling bad about saying “no” • Trouble disciplining your own children because of how harsh your parents were • Having trouble being in a large group because it makes you feel invisible • Punishing yourself for being “bad”

Effects (Continued) • Co-dependency and unhealthy, abnormal relationships due to not knowing healthy boundaries and feeling bad about saying “no” • Trouble disciplining your own children because of how harsh your parents were • Having trouble being in a large group because it makes you feel invisible • Punishing yourself for being “bad”

Roles in a Dysfunctional Family • The Good Child (mini adult): The member who grows up and becomes a mini adult to raise the younger ones because the parent is too busy in their mess. • The Problem Child or Rebel (also known as the Scapegoat): The member who is blamed to be the root of all the chaos and dysfunction in the family when they are really handling this well and is the only stable one. • The Caretaker: The member who tries to make sure everyone’s emotional needs are met because they know that the adults aren’t fulfilling their duty of that. • The Lost Child: The member whose needs are never met • The Mascot: The member that uses comedy to make the ugliness of the dysfunction look less brutal and more funny to avoid feelings of the truth. (Form of creating denial) • The Mastermind: The member who points out the sins of everyone else to be seen as the saint to get the favor and love by the others.

Unhealthy Ways of Parenting • Unrealistic expectations (Ex: All children will be brain surgeons, doctors, and lawyers) • Ridicule • Conditional love (only loving because of a reason) • Disrespectas punishment • Not allowing negative feelings to be expressed • Children not allowed to develop and express their own value system • Children not allowed to show their true selves • Being overprotective or under-protective • Coldness "I don't care!" • Belittling "You can't do anything right!" • Shame • Bitterness • Hypocrisy "Do as I say, not as I do" • Unforgiveness (constantly hounding on child for the same thing that occurred in the past) • Name calling or labeling "You’re a liar!“ • Constant criticism • Being one way in public and another way in private • Neglect/abandonment • Empty promises • Giving to one child what is more fair from another to have • Gender bias • Sexuality issues: either too much, too soon or too little, too late • Punishment based more on emotions or family rules and values than established rules • Having an unpredictable emotional state • Parents never take their children's side • No communication • Rules that have very little to no beneficial value or purpose • Rules that prevent being spontaneous • Disapproval of future dreams or desires • Choosing your needs over your child’s • Hypochondriac that something is wrong with your child when there is a reasonable explanation for a certain behavior. (Thinking their child is learning-disabled when they fall behind in school due to being absent) • Not allowing child to participate in age-appropriate activities • Noticing everything

What are Some Reasons and Characteristics Why A Family Might Be Dysfunctional? • No family ever really chooses to be fighting, on drugs and alcohol, to crush their children, or any other characteristic of a dysfunctional family all at once. Therefore, there has to be some reason that not many of us are aware of. The non-coincidental thing is that it is indeed a family who all had similar upbringings. They say that 88% of the things we do are unconscious; therefore, everyone in a dysfunctional family inflicting pain and anguish on the next generation is most likely not intentional. • Some reasons maybe: • The parents are older or immigrants; therefore, they are having trouble assimilating to new times and new cultures where raising children may be different and perhaps more liberal. • Divorce between two parents. • The parents, aunts, uncles, and first cousins once-removed have been raised old-fashioned, strictly, and traditionally raised and they don’t know any other way to parent and treat the children of the new generation. • Young parents who never hand the chance to “party” • The adults try to have the “perfect, postcard family” • Favoritism (ex: favoritism over sons than daughters or favor towards the ones with blonde hair than the ones with darker features) • Absent parent (s) due to death or abandonment leading to financial struggle and stress on the present parent or legal guardian for having to sacrifice their life to raise their child(s) on their own or someone else’s children. They may even be the grandparents, therefore, they come from older times. • Resentment towards the child because of the sins of the father or mother. • Family secrets that would tear up everyone if someone slipped and revealed it (walking on eggshells) • A never ending cycle of addiction, and children just repeating it inflicting the same pain on the next generation. • Parents not growing up with much love themselves; therefore, they don’t know how to show love to their children. • Parents raise their kids very strict because they were in military or have issues themselves with trust, fear, and misinterpreting religion. • Disagreement over certain issues (Ex: One side of the family may believe in abortion, gay-marriage, and no death penalty as where the another side is strongly against abortion, gay-marriage, and is strongly for the death penalty. ) • Parents don’t get along, but stay together for the children’s sake, financial reasons, or because of family values or religious beliefs • Abuse in family cycles • Fatherlessness or abandonment in family cycles They say that it all starts somewhere. If we look at a dysfunctional family today, and traced and analyzed back the way each generation was raised and their childhood experiences, we could almost definitely find a probable cause for the way the family is today. It is up to one person to BREAK the chains.

Characteristics of a Dysfunctional Family • Fear of being open due to fear of ridicule and punishment • Black and white thinking of the parents believing that it is this way or that way; no exceptions, excuses, in-between, or what-ifs • Disrespect of boundaries. A form of hypocrisy where the parents are trying to teach manners, but don’t treat their kids the way they teach them to treat others. • Secrets. “Don’t you dare tell anyone about what goes on between me and Dad!” or “Don’t you dare say out loud that you know Cousin Jessica is by another father than her two other siblings!” • Too focused on money. “Hey, I just bought you something for $600.00 for your birthday.” “Oh my God! How dare you buy that for ten dollars!” or “It is always the same conversation during dinner at my house and at family parties. It is who has what and how much it costs.” • Extreme Conflicts (feuds) • Hypocrite: “Do as I say, not as I do!” • Inequality in treatment of family members due to their parents, age, birth order, certain events, race, hair color, eye color, or whether they are biological or not. Example: “Julian just did that to be stupid; he’s a good kid, so why should Cousin Amy punish him?” (The truth is: Julian drinks, smokes pot, is very promiscuous, and a terrible student) “Now, my sister Kristen should give Lauren a good beating. She slanders everyone in this whole family; she’s such a spoiled brat!” (The truth is: Lauren is an honor’s student who is already planning and saving for her future. She takes on the role of the “caretaker” by researching addictions and dysfunctional families to help herself and make a difference) • Denial. “Jackie doesn’t have an alcohol problem. She just likes her red wine at night because she can’t sleep. How dare you say something like that! If I hear you say that again, I will tell everyone. Then you will see what happens.” • Parents don’t get along, but stay together for the children’s sake, financial reasons, or because of family values or religious beliefs • Jackie doesn’t have an alcohol problem. She just likes her red wine at night because she can’t sleep. How dare you say something like that! If I hear you say that again, I will tell everyone. Then you will see what happens.” • Abnormal controlling behavior • Extreme criticism and judgment of one another and/or another side of the family. • Extreme, abnormal jealousy • Abandonment ( fatherlessness and the most common) or not acknowledging one another as family • No family time • Divorce or single parenting causing conflict (custody, visitation, gift-giving, rules, child support, disaprovement of family due to the divorce or out-of-wedlock- pregnancy) • Abuse, Incest, Adultery, promiscuity • Addiction running through the generations Ex: Great-grandfather: alcohol and later committed suicide, Grandfather: alcoholic, Father: alcoholic, Children: son: alcohol and drugs, daughter: alcohol and drugs. • Not much of if no father-daughter or mother-son relationships • Not speaking to one side of the family • Police patrol (getting into everyone's business and trying to fix it and then announce it to the world)

Other Unhealthy Parenting Styles • Using kids as weapons against other parent and other family members • Not allowing their kids to grow up • Not allowing kids to have friends their own age • Paranoia • Secret factory (Don’t tell anyone!) • Abuse • Threatening • Abandoning or neglecting • Perfection • Telling kids to not pay attention to their older-sibling who causes problems • Making children take care of them • Deception to the public (making it seem like they’re the perfect parent when they realy treat their children not very nice)

How Can You Deal With a Dysfunctional Family? • Find spirituality • Educate yourself on dysfunctional families and study addiction and affects of a dysfunctional family in addition to the family’s chain of addiction and other affects of a dysfunctional family • Come to terms with your story • Have your own dreams and goals • Find a support group or a friend that is going through the same stuff • Read inspiring stories and self-help books • Prayer and meditation

Dysfunctional Families