Boundaries for Consumers

1. Boundaries for Consumers APS Healthcare Southwestern PA Health Care Quality Unit (HCQU) 10/3/2005 eeh

2. What Are We Going To Talk About Today? • Objectives: • Participants will: • Gain a better understanding of what “boundaries” are. • Learn the difference between external and internal boundaries. • Address reasons why it’s important to have “boundaries”. • Learn who and what has “boundaries”. • Explore how “boundaries” are formed.

3. Boundaries What • are boundaries? • Who has boundaries? • Why do we have boundaries? • How do we create boundaries?

4. What Are Boundaries? • A coping skill. • An internal alarm. • An invisible line that marks the limits of an area. • The space between ourselves and another person. • Established set of limits over our physical/emotional well-being which we expect others to respect.

5. What Are Boundaries? continued • Boundaries define where a person/thing ends and where it begins. • The space around us which enables us to be ourselves without restrictions. • An imaginary bubble around our bodies. • An invisible line around our bodies that when crossed, we may feel uncomfortable.

6. What Are Boundaries? continued • A personal property line. • Everyone’s boundaries are different. • A fence: • It keeps the bad out and the good in. • Boundaries help protect our: • Feelings • Values

7. Exercise Where are your boundaries? Everyone’s boundaries are different…

8. Two Types of Boundaries • External Boundaries And • Internal Boundaries

9. External Boundaries • The invisible space or bubble around us that protects our bodies and controls distance and touch. • External boundaries allow us to determine: • who, when, where and how a person can touch us. • how close a person can stand to us. • Examples of external boundary violations are: • Standing too close, touching, eye contact, privacy issues (not knocking before entering the bathroom, listening to telephone conversations).

10. What if… …someone you do not know is standing very close to you? …someone you care about is standing close to you? …a person pushed you on the ground?

11. What if…… …someone you live with asked over and over again to kiss you? …a person you live with walked in on you while you were using the bathroom? …what if someone came into your bedroom without knocking?

12. Internal Boundaries • Internal boundaries allow us to think how we want to think and feel how we want to feel and act how we want to act. • They act as a filter to protect our thinking, feeling, and behavior. • Examples of internal boundary violations are: • Yelling, screaming, name calling, controlling, demanding, lying, etc.

13. What if… …someone you live with called you bad names? …your staff member rolled their eyes when you asked for a snack? …someone you did not know said you’re ugly? …your staff member demanded that you showered in the morning instead of at night?

14. What if… …someone you care about hurt your feelings? …someone you care about told you you’re fat? …your best friend lied to you? …your mom and dad said they would visit you and then said they couldn’t make it?

15. In What Ways Have Your Boundaries Been Violated? • Possible boundary violations: • Laughed at your beliefs • Rolled their eyes at you • Insulted you • Peer pressured you • Didn’t give you privacy when asked • Interrupted you • Taken their anger out on you • Stole from you • Lied to you • Teased you

16. Relationship Circle Strangers People we see often but do not know, i.e., mail man, grocery store clerk Acquaintances Family, Staff Best Friends

17. Boundaries • What are boundaries? • has boundaries? • Why do we have boundaries? • How do we create boundaries? WHO

18. Do Other People Have Boundaries?

19. Cities and towns States (i.e., Pennsylvania, Ohio) Countries (i.e., USA, Canada, Mexico) Backyards, Farms Some have fences, some do not. Animals A growling dog A hissing cat Insects Castles, Kingdoms Famous people You and I Our family and friends What/Who Has Boundaries?

20. How Do We Know Other People Have Boundaries? • Possible examples: • Others get upset when lied to, stole from, yelled at, etc. • Others sometimes have their feelings hurt when they’re ridiculed. • Some people become angry when they’re privacy is invaded. • Put yourself in someone else’s shoes.

21. Boundaries • What are boundaries? • Who has boundaries? • do we have boundaries? • How do we create boundaries? Why

22. Why Is It Important To Have Boundaries? • They help us protect ourselves from physical and emotional wounds. • They help us take care of ourselves. • They tell us when others are acting in a way that make us feel uncomfortable. • They help us respect others personal space. • Touching other people without an invitation is a violation of their boundaries. • They can improve relationships.

23. Let’s Talk About Unhealthy Boundaries • Unhealthy, or no boundaries can lead to boundaries violations such as: • Unwanted intrusions • Space invasions • Being taken advantage of • Being laughed at • Physical, sexual, emotional abuse • Being mistreated

24. How Do You Feel When Your Boundaries Are Violated? very sad hurt like crying frustrated angry upset lonely

25. Boundaries • What are boundaries? • Who has boundaries? • Why do we have boundaries? • do we create boundaries? HOW

26. How Do We Create Healthy Boundaries? • Only you can create your own boundaries. No one can do it for you. • Listen to your gut feeling. • It’s your internal alarm. • Honor and trust your feelings. • Remember, you have the right to protect yourself. • Act. • Practice.

27. Examples of Healthy Boundaries • Walking away. • Changing the subject. • Confronting the situation directly. • Telling the person how their behavior makes you feel. • Saying “NO” to food, gifts, and touch you do not want. • Self-respect. • Not allowing someone to take advantage of your generosity.

28. Examples of Healthy Boundaries continued • Taking your time with new relationships. • Get to know people slowly • Let people get to know you, slowly • Don’t rush intimacy • Noticing when someone invades your personal space. • Asking a person before touching or hugging them. • Respect for others. • Not taking advantage of someone else’s generosity.

29. Examples of Healthy Boundaries continued • Not allowing people to use/take your property when you don’t want them to. • Being your own best friend. • Listen to your “gut feeling”. • Talking to your staff when someone has violated your boundaries or your gut feeling tells you something is wrong.

30. Remember… • Listen to your gut feeling. • Honor and trust your feelings. • Act. • Practice.

31. References • “Boundaries”. http//danenet.wicip.org/dcccrsa/saissues/boundary.html • “Setting Personal Boundaries – protecting self”. http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm • “Setting Boundaries”. Henry, Carol L.P.C. May 19, 2005. http://sub.namb.net/helplink/SE-BOUND.asp • “Growing Down: Tools for Healing the Inner Child. Building Healthy Boundaries. Messina, James J., Ph.D., Messina, Constance, Ph.D. http://www.coping.org/growdwn/boundary.htm

32. References continued • Yoga Journal. May/June 2005. Issue 188. Moffitt, Phillip “Good Fences…make for good relations.”. Pages 74-77, 120-123. • “The Starter List Of Boundaries Violations: A Good List for Schools and Families” Author unknown. http://web-street.com/thingsarelookinup/Boundaries/Boundaries-Violations.shtml