Domestic violence impacts on children

1. Domestic violence impacts on children

2. Impacts on children Trauma effects on brain development

3. Soothing and calming your child Don’t react back with anger Get them to breathe very slowly in and out 5 times – counting backwards from 5 Encourage them to use their words and label their feelings – you can say “maybe you’re feeling ….” Listen - Check back what you’ve heard and keep adjusting until they agree you’ve heard them right When they are a little calmer you can start looking at problem solving

4. Impacts on children Attachment styles

5. Attachment style – a template for doing close relationships Early experiences (in the first 2years) are powerfully predisposing. Thereafter our style is robust and hard (not impossible) to change. Why is this?

6. The carer responds to the baby’s signals of need and distress. This pattern of signal and response is like the first small stream forming. At this point the course it takes is open and it’s easy to redirect.

7. With every repetition of the pattern is strengthened. The interactions between baby and carer begins to take a course which is still tentative - but which now predisposes each successive response.

8. Over time, with consistent reinforcement, the stream becomes a deep river.

9. And it gets harder and harder to change its course….

10. Getting more secure What things do mothers do with young children in the first 2 years to make them feel safe and secure?

11. Impacts on children Social learning

12. Domestic violence and family dynamics

13. Domestic violence and family dynamics So if this is the power relationship….. And you take away the perpetrator, you get ……..

14. Post-separation family dynamics There’re a power vacuum This is often how the power differential ends up This is what we need to return the power relationship to

15. Who’s in charge? How does a parent establish themselves back in the parenting role without using fear and abuse?

16. Children’s Resilience protective factors against adversity Self esteem Talents Child’s ability to make sense of events Child’s relationships with others supportive peer network Sense of autonomy and purpose Secure attachments to at least one parent Connections to wider community Sense of control

17. Supporting Resilience contact with lots of supportive adults who know about what’s happened and will offer tonnes of love permission to talk to others freely contact with peers who’ve gone through similar the best possible relationship from now on with both parents anything that increases their self-esteem – extra-curricular activities, running clubs, drama shows etc. getting therapy or specialist help to understand and express themselves better. Mum and dad give a clear understanding of what happened and why – no excuses Mum and dad get support to understand and parent them. Helping others through voluntary work, mentoring etc. Having a safety plan so they have some control over their safety if it happens again.

18. Domestic violence and parental separation

19. Domestic violence and parental separation Of the many thousands of incidents of domestic violence against women recorded each year in the British Crime Survey, 54% occurred when the couple were no longer living together.

20. Parental separation • In Every Child Matters 2003 it was noted that around 150,000 couples divorce in the UK per year. Two thirds of them have children under 16. This does not even include figures for unmarried family separations. At least 1 in 3 children under 16 in the UK will experience parental separation.

21. A study of 2500 children of separated parents in the States found that between 75% and 80% of them were functioning well within two years of separation. This means that 20 – 25% will experience serious social or emotional problems amounting to significant harm compared to less than 10% of young people from intact families. • A UK study in 2004 found unsurprisingly that family conflict both before and after separation is a big determinant of whether your child will be one of the 75% who fare okay or the 25% who don’t.

22. Building the relationship

23. Finding a basis for respect Describe yourself (only about half a side) - your qualities and personality. Personal constructs work - “what would be the total opposite to that?” “on a scale of 1 to 10 where are you in terms of that quality?” Find out what you have to “put against the problem” (David Epston) by taking strong positive readings of qualities wherever possible

24. Identifying strengths • I know you got a problem but is it okay if we don’t talk about that today. Instead I want to find out what you have to meet the problem with / put against it. • Can you teach me about your strengths / qualities / what you’re good at? • If we were shipwrecked on a desert island what would I come to appreciate about you? What would I come to depend on you for? • What do you call this ability to do ….. • How did you do that? It can’t be so simple. • How did you decide to do that? Can you remember having that thought? What was it like? What were you doing? Did you welcome it?

25. Mum identifies strengths • If that’s hard can I ask your mum so that I can meet you through her eyes? • What makes you a proud as a mother? If you were gonna brag about her what would you say? • What should I know and appreciate about …. (you know her well)? • Can you give me an example of that? Could you tell me a story about this that would really let me know what you meant by ….? • What is it about her that reassures you you’re a good mother? • What has she got that’s wonderful about her to put against this problem? What are some other wonderfulnesses that other people comment on about her to you?

26. legacy • Where do you get that from? • Did you get that a bit from your mum? • What’s the best lesson in …. She’s taught you? • [to mum] did you advocate for her having this quality? Tell me a story to illustrate how you fostered this quality? How did you foster that mothering policy? What would your own mother say if I was to ask her “when you see your granddaughter do you see a fair bit of your daughter in her in terms of ….? Do you feel proud of that? Does that swell your chest or bring tears to your eyes?

27. Reverse legacy • Do you think you were an inspiration for her to do that? (a lot, middle bit, tiny bit?) What was it that you did that could have been an inspiration for her • What could she have seen about you that might have inspired her? • If she was looking down over your life from on high, what could she have learned about …..? • [to mum] if she was an inspiration to you then how was that? • Has being her mother lead you to live your life in any new ways - has she taught you anything about how to live life?

28. Working together • Does your…. and your mum’s …. always march side by side or do they sometimes run up against each other? • If they marched side by side where would you be able to get to? You would be pretty unstoppable?

29. Summary for practice Can you teach me about your / your child’s strengths / qualities? What would your best friend say? Mum? Favourite teacher at school? Who in your family felt most proud of you - what would they have said? Get detail & specific examples What would I appreciate about you / your child if stranded on a desert island? What are you good at?

30. others appreciate about X ? Building strengths • Finding strengths • Give me an example • of that • What kind of quality • does that imply?

31. Asking about the children • We’ve looked at your children’s strengths - now can you tell me a bit about what things they struggle with more than other kids their age? • How did you hope being a parent would be? • What’s working? • What are the best times for you as a parent? • What are the hardest times for you? • What do you find hardest about each child’s behaviour? Tell me about a time when he/she has misbehaved. Why do you think he acts like that? • How do you try to manage that, at your best and when you’re at your worst? • What kinds of discipline do you use? What happens if this doesn’t work? Do the kids sometimes get smacked? Do you and their mother agree about how to discipline them?