Relationship Resilience Hope and Healing to Flourish in Love and Dating

1. Relationship ResilienceHope and Healing to Flourish in Love and Dating Dr. Catherine Hart Weber Caitlin Weber www.flourishinlifeandrelationships.com

2. Challenges For Millennials - Generation Y (most stressed generation)Damages of Social Media

3. Look Up Video How does the digital world damage emotional and relational maturity?

4. Flourish In Life and Relationships Important Conversations for Maturity 1 3 2 Relationship with God Relationship with Self Relationship with Others Love God to Love Yourself to Love Others

5. 1 Who is God? SQ (GQ) Relationship With God

6. Who is God? • In what ways do I enjoy the love and life changing presence of God? • Find your own happiness in your relationship with God • Is God in control of your life? • How does knowing God and receiving His love for me inform me about my true self? • You find your true identity in Christ

7. Character Virtues MatterBe a person of good, mature character • How does enjoying God and being filled with the Spirit - mature and change me? • Values • Character • Authenticity • Honesty • Trust

8. Choose a life partner with similar values 1. Have the same values, morals • Similarities in goals, how to raise children • More important than age, ethnic, social class • Choose your best friend • Pick someone who doesn’t have the same issues as you – to balance each other out • Be committed to growing and changing

9. 2 Who Am I? EQ Relationship With YourselfPersonal Competence

10. Who am I? How am I thriving? * Capabilities • Grow in Strengths. Skills. Gifts. Personality • Preferences. Style. Interpersonal impact * Motivations • What drives my life? Purpose. Values. Calling * Emotional Health • Self awareness. Defenses. Family history. Authenticity * Physical body • What energizes, nourishes me? What drains, depletes

11. Competencies That Are Predictors of Success (in life and relationships): PERSONAL Competence: ______personal Intelligence (EQ) INTRA RELATIONAL Competence: ______personal Intelligence (RQ) Dr. Gary Oliver INTER

12. What Is Emotional & Relational Intelligence (ERQ™)? “The ability to be aware of, recognize and understand our own feelings and those of others and to constructively manage those emotions in ourselves and in our relationships.” Gary J. Oliver, Ph.D.

13. The ERQ™ Model Self (INTRApersonal) Other (INTERpersonal) Relational Awareness Self- Awareness • Emotional Self-Awareness • Accurate Self-Assessment • Self-Confidence • Empathy • Listening • Values Differences Recognition (Awareness) Self- Management Relationship Management Regulation (Management) • Emotional Self-Control • Takes Personal Responsibility • Healthy Anger Management • Responds rather than Reacts • Effective Communication • Healthy Conflict Management • Influence • Collaboration & Cooperation

14. Self Awareness. Intra- personal • Emotional self awareness • Accurate self assessment • Self confidence • Assertiveness

15. Falling In Love philosophy: when it comes to love you need not fall but rather surrender. surrender to the idea that you must love yourself before you can love another. you must absolutely trust yourself before you can absolutely trust another, and most importantly, you must accept your flaws before you can accept the flaws of another. (love God, love yourself – then you can love others

16. Power of VulnerabilityDr. Brene Brown • Science behind being your ‘true self’ – being vulnerable, being transparent • Vulnerability generates love and intimacy which increases oxytocin and endorphins. • Reduces harmful stress hormones like cortisol and adrenalin. • When we let our true self be seen, our inner ‘light’ radiate, we heal from the inside out. Its more powerful than any medicine.

17. Self Awareness What are my triggers? Honest Fearless Inventories If you aren’t figuring out your own issues and working on them - you will never grow, heal and be happy • Emotional intelligence (EQ) Emotional Health • Strengths/Spiritual Gifts. • Personality (style) • Know your true self - authenticity • Unhealthy coping mechanisms / Addiction • Family of origin / genogram/ attachment styles • Use of digital technology

18. Emotional Resilience • Realistic, attainable expectations and goals • Good judgment and problem solving • Persistent and determined • Responsible and thoughtful – vs. impulsive • Flexibility and openness • Effective communicators with good people skills • Learn from past experience – don’t repeat mistakes • Empathetic – care how others feel • Feel good about themselves as a person • Confident and secure in who they are • Sense they are in control of their life • Optimistic rather than pessimistic

19. 3 Who are you? How can I relate to you? ERQ, RIQ Relationship With OthersRelational Competence

20. ‘Other people are the best antidotes to the downs of life and the single most reliable up.’Martin Seligman“Learn how to ‘talk to one another’ – co-exist…Don’t be unsocial. Engage and look into someones eyes.Just one real connection is all it will take to show you the difference that being there can make.” BE THERE. BE PRESENT

21. Happiness is Love. Full stop. Dr. George Vaillant • By far the greatest predictor of happiness in the literature is intimate relationships. Sonja Lyubomirsky • Scientific studies show that our longevity, medical and mental health, happiness and wisdom are impacted most by our supportive relationships. Daniel Siegel • Aim for: HEALTHY PEOPLE SKILLS – EQ Secure Base. Healthy Attachments

22. Relationship with others Who are you? How can I effectively relate to you? Grow in your ability to: • Connect and communicate in a healthy ways • Resolve conflict and repair relationships • Maintain appropriate boundaries • Flexibility and openness • Empathy

23. Pepperdine University Boone Center For The Family Promoting healthy relationships and strong families Relationship IQCreating opportunity for ‘conversations’

24. The ERQ™ Model Self (INTRApersonal) Other (INTERpersonal) Relational Awareness Self- Awareness • Emotional Self-Awareness • Accurate Self-Assessment • Self-Confidence • Empathy • Listening • Values Differences Recognition (Awareness) Self- Management Relationship Management Regulation (Management) • Emotional Self-Control • Takes Personal Responsibility • Healthy Anger Management • Responds rather than Reacts • Effective Communication • Healthy Conflict Management • Influence • Collaboration & Cooperation

25. Relational AwarenessOther Inter-personal • Empathy • your ability to notice and correctly interpret the needs and wants of other people • Listening (basic communication skills) • Values Differences • Flexibility and openness Challenges: • Low empathy • Self focused – narcissism • “we share our best bits but leave out the emotion” • Recognize your own ‘stuff’ – ‘triggers’

26. Self ManagementSelf Awareness. Intra-personal • Emotional self control (self regulation) • Responding vs. reacting • Taking Personal Responsibility • Healthy Anger Management • Responds rather than reacts

27. Fear, uncertainty, not feeling safe -often causes the flight / fightresponses • Under pressure most people tend to react(limbic system) rather than respond (prefrontal cortex) • People with a higher ERQ are more likely to be able to “respond”rather than “react” or “over-react” in ways that only worsen the problem

28. Relationship ManagementInter-personal • Effective communication skills • Healthy conflict management /resolution • Influence • Collaboration and cooperation • Boundaries • Understand Transference • Learn Love Languages

29. Attachment Styles • Secure • Anxious • Fearful • Avoidant • Fearful/Avoidant